Hey. I don’t know why I’m sending you this because I know you won’t reply. To be honest, I have no idea if you even get my texts, but I’m doing it anyway because I miss you and I’m the type of person to let people know that they’re on my mind and something in my stomach is telling me to do this, even though my brain is telling me not to. I just need you to know that I miss you. I miss you so damn much that it hurts. I think about you constantly; in my room, on my bed, in the shower, while I’m brushing my teeth, on the drive to work, on the drive back home. I don’t know how it’s possible, but it is. I sometimes wonder if think of me too. I hope you do, even if it’s not as much, but at least for a moment– just a moment, a millisecond. I have to remind myself every day that you’re happier without me, just to keep myself sane and distracted from the million dollar question that still haunts me today: “Why did you have to leave me the way you did?” I don’t know if you’re actually happy, I just assume and hope for the best because that’s what you deserve. I heard that you’re getting married. I don’t know how to feel about that or what to say. I guess I’m just a little upset that you didn’t bother telling me yourself. I mean, why couldn’t you? Are you really that afraid of me? Are you ashamed of what I think? Are you still confused? Or have we simply just passed the point of no return? Regardless, nothing answers if I should congratulate you or pity you. I know you love her, I know you do, but I also know you loved me too– or at least started to, until you ran far far away, as fast as you could, just like The Flash. Was that really simpler than saying, “I don’t love you” or “I can’t do this anymore”? Don’t get me wrong. I want to be happy for you. I really do. It’s just– I don’t know how to do that when all I ever wanted was to be your happiness, not be happy for you as I watch you from a distant. I promise I’m trying though. We haven’t spoken, much less seen each other in over a year, so, I don’t know how you feel about me anymore. Do I even exist to you? Or am I just another person you pretend is dead in your head? Do you still have my favorite songs in your playlist? I was driving back home tonight and it got me wondering if you do. It was late and dark, but the full moon still guided me home and got me thinking of you. That one song started playing on the radio and reminded me of all the good times we once had. I love those memories, but I’m selfish and greedy when it comes to you. These memories just aren’t enough. I want you. Physically, not spiritually, or just in my head. I want you beside me or on top of me. I’ll take what I can get if it means you’ll come over tonight. I’m home alone, scared with no one to hold. I’m desperate. I just want to be wrapped in your arms one last time. I want you to whisper something in my ear– something you never built the courage to say before: “I love you.” I need to hear those words to slip from your tongue because I’m the type of person that needs constant reassurance. Maybe then I’ll finally understand, because all I have lingering in my head are theories– theories of us, of our story, and why you had to leave our chapter at a cliffhanger with no answers. I understand that you’ve always had trouble expressing your feelings. You always have been a quiet person ever since I first laid eyes on you in art class, but I think that’s what intrigued me the most about you because the most quiet people have the most things to say and the most things on their mind, and oh how I wanted to dissect that brain of yours. You were so innocent and kind and selfless. Just another boy with a big heart. Which is how I know you never intended to hurt me. You never knew what the right thing to do was, but that doesn’t justify why you left the way you did. You didn’t have to do it that way. I deserved, a better goodbye.
– the unsent text 11:32pm 6/29/18 | Patreon