June 21, 2020

Our paths crossed the other day. You were driving west as I was driving east just outside your neighborhood. Yeah, I know where you’re living now. I promise it was a complete accident. You drove by me once and I recognized your car immediately. I take the same road you do to get home. It just so happened, I guess, that our lives and our hearts, were in sync that night, just like the other day. 

When I saw your car again, time slowed, my mind began to race and I kept chanting to myself “That’s not him.” But then you drove closer to me and I couldn’t keep lying to myself that it was in fact you. I had my windows down as I always do, listening to my favorite song that reminds me of you. 

I wanted so desperately to say hello or maybe wave at you to catch your attention, but what was the point if I did that anyway? I guess, in the back of my head, I hoped that you feel the same symptoms as I do at the sight of you. I want you to feel this yearning pain in my heart. I want to ruin your day just like you ruined mine. I want to occupy your brain for once, even if it’s just for a moment. 

I just can’t believe I saw you. I can’t believe that after all these years and all this precious time wasted, you still have this power over me. This power that takes my breath away, makes my hands shake, and breaks my heart all over again. But you also have this power to make me so happy to see your beautiful face again. In times like this, I know I’d still recognize you with your mask on, because it was your green eyes that I fell in love with. 

I sometimes wonder if you’d recognize me behind the mask. I bet you wouldn’t.  It just hurts and I don’t like this feeling I get when I see you. The sight of you reminds me of how much my heart yearns for you and I don’t know how to not notice it.

I’m happy to know you’re alive and healthy. At least, for once in a very long time, our lives and our hearts were in sync again and I’m very grateful for that. 

April 22, 2020

Congrats on your marriage. Truly, I’m very happy for you for finding eternal happiness. I’m grateful to have been one of your lovers once upon a time. And as much as I believe you were perfect for me, I know I wasn’t perfect for you. I’m okay with knowing that now. And I need you to know that I never hated you. I could never hate you, no matter what you do. You probably think you don’t deserve forgiveness because you know you broke my heart into a million pieces, but, I do forgive you. It’s not okay what you did, but I forgive you. Because I’ll always love you and you’ll always have a piece of my broken heart. You taught me more than you know and I will always be forever grateful. I can’t thank you enough for leaving the way you did. I’m moving on, but that doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about you. There hasn’t been single day that passes by when your face doesn’t cross my mind. I still miss you. I hope I get to see your face again… soon…

© Letters From Alex

it seems to be
impossible
to find someone
i want and need,
much less
find someone
who wants and needs
me too, but
i’m a patient person
and i’m hopeful that
someday,
somewhere,
somehow,
my other half
is waiting for me too

i just hope it’s in this lifetime…

© Letters From Alex

You should never
expect anything
in return, but to
expect nothing
because you are
constantly let down
is the worst
expectation of all.

© Letters From Alex

I used to make up
scenarios in my head
of what it would be like
to see your eyes again.
Of all the ones I imagined,
the worst just had to happen.

© Letters From Alex

I’m so grateful
we never had much
in common.

I’d hate to hate
things I used to love
before I loved you.

© Letters From Alex

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