i saw your younger brother at school today. you never introduced him to me (or vice-versa), but i recognized him from your family photos. my heart sank and my hands started involuntarily shaking. it hurt seeing him too, which was strange, because i don’t even know him and i bet he doesn’t know me. but it got me wondering if he even knows my name, knows my face, knows my voice. it got me pondering if you ever even talked about me to your friends or family and if they know that i exist, if they know how much of an impact i made on your life, and how i let you rest your heavy head on my shoulder when you mourned the love of your life with a still beating heart. does he (or anyone else for this matter) know the lengths i would’ve gone to make sure you were happy? the long nights i stayed up for you to make sure you were okay to drive home? do they know what kind of friend i was to you? anything at all? or was i just a shameful experiment? you know, i really don’t know what’s worse about all this– the fact that they don’t know that i exist, that i’m just a complete stranger in the crowd, just another face in the library, in the hallway, just anywhere they are or if by some mere miracle, let’s say, you did tell them my name, you did show them a photo, you did share your feelings about me– i honestly can’t tell what’s a worse scenario, being pitied, or being a nobody in the crowd. who am i to the people you love?
A piece of me wants to give up on love, to give up on building a relationship with someone who may or may not feel the same way, but try anyway, in hopes that they do.
I trust the process, but I do not trust the start. I know and recognize the warning signs, the red flags because I know what I deserve and I know what I’m looking for, but nowadays, with options so easily accessible and out in the open with just a touch of your fingertips, it’s easy for someone to do a one-eighty and change their mind so quickly.
It’s the start of it all that scares me the most. I’m not one to move fast physically– I’m better than that, but I am guilty of one to get too emotionally invested too quickly and just way too hard. It’s honestly my biggest flaw. I despise it and I wish I could change it, but this is who I am and it’s what I have to deal with. One day, someone can have those words “I love you” pressed up against the roof of their mouth, just about ready to say it, but I make them wait because I’m scared– scared of being vulnerable and hopeful for someone who doesn’t plan on staying, but the feelings still linger anyway and it’s a safe assumption that they do have feelings for me too or at least some sort of feeling.
But then, from one day to the next, from almost witnessing the person you think could be the one, your forever, wanting to say “I love you” to the next day hearing, “I’m not interested in you anymore,” just opens up old wounds that I thought were fully healed. I don’t deserve this. I was done feeling this way, or, so I thought.
There’s just no warning signs when getting to know someone for the first time, regardless if they’re from your past or not. I trusted him nine years ago. We were supposed to fill in that gap. Together. But you said those magic words and my walls went up again and my guard did just the same. It’s not your fault though. It’s mine for getting too attached way too quickly, but I am not taking the blame for everything. You knew what I was looking for and you led me on to believe you loved me. It’s so pathetic that you turned out to be just like the rest of them.
Consider yourself lucky and privileged that I let you into my life and take a chance with me because I know my worth and you do not meet my standards. Not after what you did. I thought I would be used to this heartache by now. I don’t feel as bad for myself as I do for the next person who decides to fall in love with me.
i just need someone to talk to
i’ve had a lot on my mind lately. mostly about a boy. he lives a little far from me, but he’s worth the drive when i get to see him. the distance may suck sometimes and he’s not really great at communicating most of the time. to be honest, i get a little hurt when he doesn’t reply to me quickly or at all, but i’m working on fixing my impatient ways.
sometimes, i feel like i’m being annoying when i bother him too much. i start to overthink things when he doesn’t talk to me for days. i start feeling like i did something wrong or i’ll start thinking that i’m not enough. i put myself down so much– i guess so he won’t. i know that’s not healthy, but i just want to be his somebody, like i’m someone worthy– an important piece of his life that he can’t let go of, because that’s how i feel about him.
when he’s not around, he’s all i can think about and what makes me sad is that i’m not the person he thinks about when he’s alone. instead, he’s thinking about her and that’s because she’s the one that hurt him. do you understand?
i get the feeling that he doesn’t think about me at all. he doesn’t show it. he doesn’t tell me he misses me unless i say it first. he doesn’t tell me something reminded him of me. he doesn’t dedicate any songs to me. he doesn’t even ask me how my day has gone. and he doesn’t wish me a good night’s sleep like he used to.
that’s how he makes me feel when i’m not around him and i know i shouldn’t expect much from him because i realize that i do, but in this given moment, i have nobody else in my mind of who i can see myself with for the rest of my life.
so, i start telling myself that i’m going to be lonely for the rest of my life and that i can live with that idea. if i can’t have this one guy, well, nobody else is going to make me as happy as he did. nobody will compare. and each day that passes, i start to believe that will be true someday.
he’s not one to talk, much less show his emotions. i’m constantly on the lookout for any sign of subtle abnormal body movement or facial expression, just to even guess what he’s thinking about. i try to call him, on nights when i’m missing his voice the most, but he never answers, much less urges to call back.
but then i start thinking about all the feelings he makes me feel when he is finally around me, in my presence, breathing the same air i’m breathing.
like when i see him for the first time in a long time– my heart starts racing, my legs give out, my hands begin to sweat and shake, and i can’t even breathe right.
when i’m around him, i forget about the world. i forget about my problems. it’s like he has the power of reversing gravity and he doesn’t even know it.
and when he smiles, i can’t help but smile with him.
and when he laughs, i can’t help but laugh with him.
and when he looks at me, i can’t look away.
and don’t even get me started with his voice.
and when we cuddle, i can’t help but love the feeling when he holds me tighter when he feels me slipping away– it makes me feel safe, sheltered, protected. he feels like home.
and in my eyes, he can do no wrong.
i will be honest and say that he doesn’t have a great personality. it is good, though, or at least good enough for me. he’s mostly there for me when i need him. he can relate to me and knows exactly how i’m feeling even when i can’t fully explain why. and i like that he is so innocent– that’s probably my favorite trait.
i just wish he showed a little more appreciation. i wish he tried a little harder. and i also wish he didn’t shut people out when he is sad, but i guess that’s just who he is and i’m willing to love those bad habits of his even though i know they’ll bother me down the line and maybe hurt me.
he’s been making bad choices lately when he’s sad like drinking and smoking. i really wish he didn’t do that. there’s other ways to mend pain or at least distract it.
for example, he could start journaling like i do. i didn’t know what else to do when he left me the way he did, but i found my medium. i write letters to him even though i’m well-aware that he’s never going to read them, but i had no other choice.
i just hope he doesn’t regret the drinking and the smoking later in life. i really do care about him and his well-being so much. i just wish he cared and loved himself as much as i do. i want him to be happy. of course, i want him to be happy, but i desire to be the one that makes him happy.
so, do i think he’s worth it? i’m not sure. maybe he is. maybe he’s not. and if he’s the latter, then that makes me sad because i want to be his happiness even if it kills me. i want to be the person that puts a smile on his face. i want to be what he is to me. i just want him to feel the things i feel toward him, but i can’t make someone love me, can i?
he’s in love with someone else. someone that he’s loved for a very long time. but she left him and she’s off with some other guy, living another life, another story with someone else and he doesn’t deserve that.
“she’s talking to some other guy. she’s happy, but i want to be the one that makes her happy.”
he said that one day to me and i broke down a little inside at the fact that he is so oblivious at the fact that i am right there in front of him, listening to the pain in his voice and i can’t do anything about it. instead, he was drinking and drinking, wasting his life away. if he really loved her, shouldn’t he be out there chasing her? winning her back?
someone else out there loves him and cares for him so deeply and would do anything in the world just to make him happy. that someone is me, but he won’t choose me because i’m a he. do you understand?
i’m here, waiting for him like a sad lost puppy. he hurts me when he’s hurting over her because just like seeing him happy makes me happy, seeing him sad makes me sad too. he ignores me too much even if it’s just a simple text that says, “i hope you’re having a better day today!” i don’t even get a thank you and all i’m trying to do is make him smile again because i miss it. that’s all i need. i need to feel validated by your smile.
the things he feels for her right now: the sadness, the loneliness, the rejection, that hole in his chest where his heart once was, all those feelings he has toward her, they’re exactly how i feel about him.
so, why is it that he puts me through this? he tells me he feels bad when he hurts me and that he doesn’t mean to, but he does it anyway. i want to believe it’s not intentional, but he says nothing to stray me away from my bad thoughts. instead, he shuts me out.
i miss the old him, the one that used to be happy all the time. i hope that person still exists. i hope he’s still alive. and if he is, i hope he comes back soon because i hate to see what he’s doing to himself.
i love him as a friend, but i want to be more than that. i worry about him so much. i know i shouldn’t but it’s in my nature. i’m a worrier, not a warrior.
i’ll be patient. when he’s ready, i’ll be here for him. i’ll be his shoulder to cry on when he’s sad. i’ll be the wall he wants to punch when he’s angry. i’ll be the one to catch him when he falls.
i just hope he doesn’t make me wait too long because only he can put my broken heart back together.
I know I do this a lot to you…
I always send you long essays of how I feel about you, I know it must get annoying. But here’s another one for you, and hopefully the last.
I really like you and I really do care about you.
But being your friend is just too hard for me.
I can never stop thinking about you and all I want is to see your face every day.
I want us to be more than friends. I want us to be each other’s happiness, but I know that will never happen.
You have your girlfriend. And you seem to love her very much.
Your parents (in my perspective) seem very narrow minded and would never condone you being with a man, and probably won’t accept me.
I was willing to leave my boyfriend for you… Only because you were the only person that was making me happy. Everyone around me just seemed to be sucking the life out of me. And forgive me if I’m wrong but when you’re around me you seem happy too. (Even if it’s not just because of me but because you’re around friends, I still enjoy seeing you smile).
My boyfriend and I have been together for so long…
And you may not know this but we fight almost constantly and I can’t tell anymore if I’m happy.
Then I wonder if I’d treat another person the same way I treat my him now – so violent and vulgar.
After that miraculous night we had together, I cried for days, I felt guilty with what we had done together the night before. I didn’t regret it, when was that night ever going to happen again? Never. So I let it happen. But I felt guilty because in my head I want to be more than friends. I want to be your boyfriend. And doing that made me feel like we were moving too quickly and ruined everything for me. I lost respect for myself. But… Then I started to think… Why does this even matter if we’ll never be together anyway?
After being depressed for days my boyfriend made me talk to him about it and shockingly, I actually didn’t need to talk much. He knew what I was going through. He knows how much I like you. I told him about the night I kissed you on the cheek… I thought that was going to make him upset. But it surprisingly didn’t. Then I told him what we do when he steps into the bathroom… Like that night. The way you were holding me and the way I held onto you. I didn’t want to let you go. And how we were breathing into each other’s necks. And how we kissed each other’s lips for the first time. I didn’t want it to stop. I didn’t want that to end.
Even after explaining that to him too he wasn’t upset. He just told me to think for myself and not worry about anyone else.
I started to cry… Not because I wanted to leave my boyfriend… But because of the thought of us never working out was hurting me so much.
So many thoughts were rushing thru my head, things that could tear us apart or keep us from staying together.
“What if he wanted to keep our relationship a secret… How long before I wanted his family and friends to know about me?”
“What if he ends up missing his girlfriend. Would he leave me to go back with her?”
“Would I leave you to go back with my boyfriend?”
“Would my family accept you?”
“Does he really like me as much as I think he does?” Probably not…
And the ultimate question, “Will he do what he’s doing now with me, to someone else, behind my back?”
All these problems would be in our way and what depresses me the most is that you probably don’t even care.
But with all these risks and problems would it really matter? If we really liked each other and could love each other… Why should we let those things get in our way? If we really cared about each other the way we claim we do, I know I’d do anything for you and not let anything get in my way. But what about you? You say you think of me, you say you miss me, but where’s the proof? I don’t know what to believe anymore.
You once said that I don’t deserve to be ignored and it’s unfair that you never talk to me but I am always there for you. I think that’s the only thing we can both agree on. I’m not gonna be a pushover anymore. I’m tired of getting so hurt by you and being depressed over someone who doesn’t even care enough to take 30 seconds out of their fucking life to send me a damn message asking “How was your day?”
You don’t deserve me as a friend. And what sucks the most… Even after all this… I’ll STILL be there for you if you ever need me because that’s the type of friend I am… But I’m done coming to you and being ignored. Maybe it is best that we’re not friends anymore. I’m tired of getting so hurt by you. You only reply to me when you want to talk and not when I need you the most as a friend. How is that fair at all for me?
I really hope this clears up everything for you. I’m not writing this to make you feel bad, because honestly, that is not my intention. I just want you to understand and know what I go thru when I tell you goodbye forever and then send you a message days later saying sorry, and that I didn’t mean it. I just DON’T know what to do anymore. I just really, really, really, LIKE you more than a friend, and love you AS a friend. It’s crazy how much I care about you and want to see you happy.
But… because of how I feel, it’s hard to be your friend when you constantly make me sad all the time. And honestly. I just wish you’d tell me how you felt. Whether it’s that you feel the same way, or the complete opposite, or think that I should just suck it up and be a fucking man and keep talking to you then tell me! Just tell me! Say anything to me. It’s better than leaving me guessing.
I know I shouldn’t be sorry, but I am. I’m sorry for everything. I promise that I won’t do something like this again. I don’t mean to be wasting your time.
I’m seriously going to miss you.
i see you, but you do you see me? because i notice you from afar, when you step into a room, and how your smile lights up at the sight of someone you love and how i wish you’d smile at me like that, even if it was in a friendly way.
i know you know i exist, but i don’t wanna just exist to you. i want to be a part of your every day life. i want to know what makes you angry. i want to know what makes you happy. and i want to know what your guilty pleasure is when you’re feeling sad and alone and eating your feelings away.
i want to get to know the real you and not the you that wears a mask around everyone. you’re so shy and introverted, but i can sense that you’re the complete opposite with someone you know you can trust, someone who won’t judge you.
i wish we could be closer, closer than what we already are, but i don’t know how to tell you that without jeopardizing what we already have. we may be “fine” now, but what happens if i say something that crosses that line and makes you uncomfortable and pushes you away? or worse, completely shut me out of your life forever? i don’t want that…
it kind of reminds me of mother earth being in love with the sun– the absolute thing that gives her life and how she has no idea how to repay him. how does she love him back if she can’t even get close to him, to kiss him, without being burned and destroying every single thing he created for her. what a beautiful tragedy. if only you understood that’s exactly how i feel about you.
how do i love you without getting hurt? how do i say how i feel without pushing you away? or are we just two introverts, afraid of being rejected, when the ironic truth is, that we both feel the same, but we’re too afraid to speak up…
love always, alex
June 21, 2020
Our paths crossed the other day. You were driving west as I was driving east just outside your neighborhood. Yeah, I know where you’re living now. I promise it was a complete accident. You drove by me once and I recognized your car immediately. I take the same road you do to get home. It just so happened, I guess, that our lives and our hearts, were in sync that night, just like the other day.
When I saw your car again, time slowed, my mind began to race and I kept chanting to myself “That’s not him.” But then you drove closer to me and I couldn’t keep lying to myself that it was in fact you. I had my windows down as I always do, listening to my favorite song that reminds me of you.
I wanted so desperately to say hello or maybe wave at you to catch your attention, but what was the point if I did that anyway? I guess, in the back of my head, I hoped that you feel the same symptoms as I do at the sight of you. I want you to feel this yearning pain in my heart. I want to ruin your day just like you ruined mine. I want to occupy your brain for once, even if it’s just for a moment.
I just can’t believe I saw you. I can’t believe that after all these years and all this precious time wasted, you still have this power over me. This power that takes my breath away, makes my hands shake, and breaks my heart all over again. But you also have this power to make me so happy to see your beautiful face again. In times like this, I know I’d still recognize you with your mask on, because it was your green eyes that I fell in love with.
I sometimes wonder if you’d recognize me behind the mask. I bet you wouldn’t. It just hurts and I don’t like this feeling I get when I see you. The sight of you reminds me of how much my heart yearns for you and I don’t know how to not notice it.
I’m happy to know you’re alive and healthy. At least, for once in a very long time, our lives and our hearts were in sync again and I’m very grateful for that.
Congrats on your marriage. Truly, I’m very happy for you for finding eternal happiness. I’m grateful to have been one of your lovers once upon a time. And as much as I believe you were perfect for me, I know I wasn’t perfect for you. I’m okay with knowing that now. And I need you to know that I never hated you. I could never hate you, no matter what you do. You probably think you don’t deserve forgiveness because you know you broke my heart into a million pieces, but, I do forgive you. It’s not okay what you did, but I forgive you. Because I’ll always love you and you’ll always have a piece of my broken heart. You taught me more than you know and I will always be forever grateful. I can’t thank you enough for leaving the way you did. I’m moving on, but that doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about you. There hasn’t been single day that passes by when your face doesn’t cross my mind. I still miss you. I hope I get to see your face again… soon…© Letters From Alex
it seems to be
to find someone
i want and need,
who wants and needs
me too, but
i’m a patient person
and i’m hopeful that
my other half
is waiting for me too
i just hope it’s in this lifetime…© Letters From Alex
You should never© Letters From Alex
in return, but to
because you are
constantly let down
is the worst
expectation of all.
It took losing sight of you to realize you were the cause of my blindness.