August 28, 2015

I know I do this a lot to you…
I always send you long essays of how I feel about you, I know it must get annoying. But here’s another one for you, and hopefully the last.
I really like you and I really do care about you.
But being your friend is just too hard for me.
I can never stop thinking about you and all I want is to see your face every day.
I want us to be more than friends. I want us to be each other’s happiness, but I know that will never happen.
You have your girlfriend. And you seem to love her very much.
Your parents (in my perspective) seem very narrow minded and would never condone you being with a man, and probably won’t accept me.

I was willing to leave my boyfriend for you… Only because you were the only person that was making me happy. Everyone around me just seemed to be sucking the life out of me. And forgive me if I’m wrong but when you’re around me you seem happy too. (Even if it’s not just because of me but because you’re around friends, I still enjoy seeing you smile).

My boyfriend and I have been together for so long… 
 And you may not know this but we fight almost constantly and I can’t tell anymore if I’m happy.
Then I wonder if I’d treat another person the same way I treat my him now – so violent and vulgar. 

After that miraculous night we had together, I cried for days, I felt guilty with what we had done together the night before. I didn’t regret it, when was that night ever going to happen again? Never. So I let it happen. But I felt guilty because in my head I want to be more than friends. I want to be your boyfriend. And doing that made me feel like we were moving too quickly and ruined everything for me. I lost respect for myself. But… Then I started to think… Why does this even matter if we’ll never be together anyway?

After being depressed for days my boyfriend made me talk to him about it and shockingly, I actually didn’t need to talk much. He knew what I was going through. He knows how much I like you. I told him about the night I kissed you on the cheek… I thought that was going to make him upset. But it surprisingly didn’t. Then I told him what we do when he steps into the bathroom… Like that night. The way you were holding me and the way I held onto you. I didn’t want to let you go. And how we were breathing into each other’s necks. And how we kissed each other’s lips for the first time. I didn’t want it to stop. I didn’t want that to end.

Even after explaining that to him too he wasn’t upset. He just told me to think for myself and not worry about anyone else.
I started to cry… Not because I wanted to leave my boyfriend… But because of the thought of us never working out was hurting me so much. 

So many thoughts were rushing thru my head, things that could tear us apart or keep us from staying together.
“What if he wanted to keep our relationship a secret… How long before I wanted his family and friends to know about me?”
“What if he ends up missing his girlfriend. Would he leave me to go back with her?”
“Would I leave you to go back with my boyfriend?”
“Would my family accept you?”
“Does he really like me as much as I think he does?” Probably not…
And the ultimate question, “Will he do what he’s doing now with me, to someone else, behind my back?”

All these problems would be in our way and what depresses me the most is that you probably don’t even care.
But with all these risks and problems would it really matter? If we really liked each other and could love each other… Why should we let those things get in our way? If we really cared about each other the way we claim we do, I know I’d do anything for you and not let anything get in my way. But what about you? You say you think of me, you say you miss me, but where’s the proof? I don’t know what to believe anymore.  

You once said that I don’t deserve to be ignored and it’s unfair that you never talk to me but I am always there for you. I think that’s the only thing we can both agree on. I’m not gonna be a pushover anymore. I’m tired of getting so hurt by you and being depressed over someone who doesn’t even care enough to take 30 seconds out of their fucking life to send me a damn message asking “How was your day?”

You don’t deserve me as a friend. And what sucks the most… Even after all this… I’ll STILL be there for you if you ever need me because that’s the type of friend I am… But I’m done coming to you and being ignored. Maybe it is best that we’re not friends anymore. I’m tired of getting so hurt by you. You only reply to me when you want to talk and not when I need you the most as a friend. How is that fair at all for me?

I really hope this clears up everything for you. I’m not writing this to make you feel bad, because honestly, that is not my intention. I just want you to understand and know what I go thru when I tell you goodbye forever and then send you a message days later saying sorry, and that I didn’t mean it. I just DON’T know what to do anymore. I just really, really, really, LIKE you more than a friend, and love you AS  a friend. It’s crazy how much I care about you and want to see you happy.

But… because of how I feel, it’s hard to be your friend when you constantly make me sad all the time. And honestly. I just wish you’d tell me how you felt. Whether it’s that you feel the same way, or the complete opposite, or think that I should just suck it up and be a fucking man and keep talking to you then tell me! Just tell me! Say anything to me. It’s better than leaving me guessing.

I know I shouldn’t be sorry, but I am. I’m sorry for everything. I promise that I won’t do something like this again. I don’t mean to be wasting your time.
I’m seriously going to miss you.

Love always,
Alex

november 1, 2020

dear crush,

i see you, but you do you see me? because i notice you from afar, when you step into a room, and how your smile lights up at the sight of someone you love and how i wish you’d smile at me like that, even if it was in a friendly way. 

i know you know i exist, but i don’t wanna just exist to you. i want to be a part of your every day life. i want to know what makes you angry. i want to know what makes you happy. and i want to know what your guilty pleasure is when you’re feeling sad and alone and eating your feelings away. 

i want to get to know the real you and not the you that wears a mask around everyone. you’re so shy and introverted, but i can sense that you’re the complete opposite with someone you know you can trust, someone who won’t judge you. 

i wish we could be closer, closer than what we already are, but i don’t know how to tell you that without jeopardizing what we already have. we may be “fine” now, but what happens if i say something that crosses that line and makes you uncomfortable and pushes you away? or worse, completely shut me out of your life forever? i don’t want that…

it kind of reminds me of mother earth being in love with the sun– the absolute thing that gives her life and how she has no idea how to repay him. how does she love him back if she can’t even get close to him, to kiss him, without being burned and destroying every single thing he created for her. what a beautiful tragedy. if only you understood that’s exactly how i feel about you. 

how do i love you without getting hurt? how do i say how i feel without pushing you away? or are we just two introverts, afraid of being rejected, when the ironic truth is, that we both feel the same, but we’re too afraid to speak up…

love always,  alex

June 21, 2020

Our paths crossed the other day. You were driving west as I was driving east just outside your neighborhood. Yeah, I know where you’re living now. I promise it was a complete accident. You drove by me once and I recognized your car immediately. I take the same road you do to get home. It just so happened, I guess, that our lives and our hearts, were in sync that night, just like the other day. 

When I saw your car again, time slowed, my mind began to race and I kept chanting to myself “That’s not him.” But then you drove closer to me and I couldn’t keep lying to myself that it was in fact you. I had my windows down as I always do, listening to my favorite song that reminds me of you. 

I wanted so desperately to say hello or maybe wave at you to catch your attention, but what was the point if I did that anyway? I guess, in the back of my head, I hoped that you feel the same symptoms as I do at the sight of you. I want you to feel this yearning pain in my heart. I want to ruin your day just like you ruined mine. I want to occupy your brain for once, even if it’s just for a moment. 

I just can’t believe I saw you. I can’t believe that after all these years and all this precious time wasted, you still have this power over me. This power that takes my breath away, makes my hands shake, and breaks my heart all over again. But you also have this power to make me so happy to see your beautiful face again. In times like this, I know I’d still recognize you with your mask on, because it was your green eyes that I fell in love with. 

I sometimes wonder if you’d recognize me behind the mask. I bet you wouldn’t.  It just hurts and I don’t like this feeling I get when I see you. The sight of you reminds me of how much my heart yearns for you and I don’t know how to not notice it.

I’m happy to know you’re alive and healthy. At least, for once in a very long time, our lives and our hearts were in sync again and I’m very grateful for that. 

April 22, 2020

Congrats on your marriage. Truly, I’m very happy for you for finding eternal happiness. I’m grateful to have been one of your lovers once upon a time. And as much as I believe you were perfect for me, I know I wasn’t perfect for you. I’m okay with knowing that now. And I need you to know that I never hated you. I could never hate you, no matter what you do. You probably think you don’t deserve forgiveness because you know you broke my heart into a million pieces, but, I do forgive you. It’s not okay what you did, but I forgive you. Because I’ll always love you and you’ll always have a piece of my broken heart. You taught me more than you know and I will always be forever grateful. I can’t thank you enough for leaving the way you did. I’m moving on, but that doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about you. There hasn’t been single day that passes by when your face doesn’t cross my mind. I still miss you. I hope I get to see your face again… soon…

© Letters From Alex

it seems to be
impossible
to find someone
i want and need,
much less
find someone
who wants and needs
me too, but
i’m a patient person
and i’m hopeful that
someday,
somewhere,
somehow,
my other half
is waiting for me too

i just hope it’s in this lifetime…

© Letters From Alex

You should never
expect anything
in return, but to
expect nothing
because you are
constantly let down
is the worst
expectation of all.

© Letters From Alex

I used to make up
scenarios in my head
of what it would be like
to see your eyes again.
Of all the ones I imagined,
the worst just had to happen.

© Letters From Alex

I’m so grateful
we never had much
in common.

I’d hate to hate
things I used to love
before I loved you.

© Letters From Alex

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