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Letters From Alex™

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Tag: seattle

Seattle Great Wheel

Mount Rainier National Park | September 30, 2017

January 31, 2019 0

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Why must our hearts always be out of sync? Why must yours beat on a different rhythm than mine? I’m so scared to fall in love with someone else because I’d hate for you to come back to me when I’m happy with someone else. Maybe it’s in our animal instinctive nature to want what we can’t have. Or maybe it’s just envy. If you asked me two years ago today if I’d leave whomever I’m with for you— I’d say, “Hell yes. Without question.” But now that so much time has passed and the longer you haven’t been around makes me wonder if you’re worth it anymore.

The worst thing about self-worth is the fact that it comes from within. Whether you’re too humble or just plain blind— nobody can tell you or show you what your worth is because you can’t see it yourself. All you’ll do is deny it and take what you can get because you think you deserve it. But you deserve so much better. Why can’t you see it? Why can’t you see that I’d give you the world?

Sure, I can blame the alcohol, but my fingers are sober enough to type your number with a contact name that reads “Don’t Text Him.” But my eyes become blurry and my mind becomes foggy and texts you anyway. I just wanna know how you’ve been. Is that too much to ask for? Why can’t we still be friends while you’re with her? Everybody has a choice and I see you’ve made yours, but what about what I want? You could’ve asked me for approval. You could’ve warned me. Instead, you left me with nothing but heartache and I’ve been addicted to pain ever since. Pain makes me feel close to you. So, I didn’t care that you wouldn’t reply. I know you read my messages. But the better question is— after years of messaging you after every nightmare, every dream, every birthday, every Christmas, and every New Year, why didn’t you block my number? I’m not someone you can fall back to when things go wrong and don’t give me that meaningless excuse that you like to know when you’re on my mind. So, stop keeping me hostage because I don’t deserve this.

Let’s not waste our time investing our lives with each other if you’re not going to love me for who I was, who I am, and who I want to become. Don’t leave me when I need you the most— when I’m vulnerable and opening up to you about every mistake I’ve ever made. These mistakes sometimes come back to haunt me when I’m at my worst and that’s when I’ll need someone to carry some of this weight on their shoulder. Will you be that person? Because I’ll do anything for you and I’ll love you no matter what. All I ask for in return is for you to love me unconditionally— no hesitation, no expectation, no question. Just reciprocation.

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