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Letters From Alex™

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Mount Rainier National Park | September 30, 2017

January 31, 2019 0

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What a disappointment you were. You said you’d try harder. You said you’d be a better person. You said you’d be there for me when I needed you. But you weren’t. You never were. “I’m always busy” isn’t an excuse. You should’ve tried harder to win me over. If you loved me, you would’ve made time for me. You could’ve made an effort. But you didn’t. And now it’s too late.

I liked the way you said things. I loved the way you said my name. ⁣ Oh, how I wish I could hear you whisper in my ear and send chills down my spine. It’s the only voice that excites me and calms me at the same time.⁣ When you’re not around and I’m feeling extra lonely, I still hear past conversations we had in my room that still echo today. ⁣ One fond memory I have, is the first night you stayed over. We ate lots of chocolate and cuddled, held hands, and talked until 4 in the morning. ⁣ I remember laying my head on your chest to listen to your heartbeat faster and faster. For once, our hearts were in sync. I knew you had to be as nervous as I was. ⁣ Were you happy too? ⁣ I heard your heavy breathing and started breathing with you so our breath would be in sync too. I tapped your rib and said, “Can I ask you something?” ⁣ To which you said, “Yeah. Of course. Anything.” ⁣ I paused, and sent a little prayer saying I hope he felt the same. “Can I kiss you?” I asked. ⁣ “Yeah. You can.” ⁣ “Are you sure?” ⁣ “Yeah. I’m sure. You can kiss me.” ⁣ I put my left hand on your right temple and tussled your hair and used my right hand to caress your left cheek. And right before I pulled you closer, you pushed yourself toward me and kissed me first. ⁣ It was the best feeling in the word. To know that someone that I really liked and could love, liked me too, wanted to hold me too, wanted to have a heart beat as fast as his. ⁣ For once, I didn’t have to reach out or try too hard. You met me in the middle and took an extra step. ⁣ That’s how I knew you felt the same. That’s how I knew you were worth it. ⁣ I don’t care what other people say about you. They don’t know you like I did. But it’s been so long since I’ve heard your voice and I’m terrified you’re not the same person I once knew.

The face of “You” changes as I become wiser, smarter, and more of aware of what I want. I’m tired of wasting my time on people that don’t give me their time of day. I need to find someone who makes an effort. Someone who texts me good morning. Someone who wishes me a good night sleep. Someone who not only thinks about me when a certain song plays, but someone who also tells me they thought of me. Because Validation wears many faces. And even though you’re not directly telling me I’m worthy, just hearing your voice say I was on your mind for even just a second is more than enough for me. “You” exists in my mind and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

Call me crazy, call me obsessive, call me whatever you like, but just remember you did this to me. You left in silence and that’s the worst thing you can do to somebody. You know how crazy that drove me? I made myself believe that I was the problem, that I wasn’t enough, that you deserved better. So, I started writing poetry about you, so people all over the world can see how much light you shine. But, it’s still not enough is it? No. It’ll never be enough. Yet, despite all this, there’s a little candle lit in my heart and that flame is my love for you. I protect it. I cherish it. And I make sure nobody gets too close to it. Because nobody except you can blow out that candle with one simple word... “Goodbye.”

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