wednesday, july 21, 2021

it’s half passed two in the morning and i can’t seem to get you out of my head. it’s nights like tonight, when i’ve got that one song on repeat for literally hours and i’m all alone with just my thoughts in my head that got me constantly asking myself: where did i go wrong?

i then begin to think of you and my mind suddenly drifts off to memories of you, especially to the moment where i’m kissing you, but it’s been so long since we’ve spoken and the sudden realization that our lips will never touch again comes back to haunt me and somehow makes my room ten degrees colder.

i then begin to wonder what i’d say to you if fate ever brings us back together, either by mere coincidence, or by some miracle that you reach out to me. i know one this is for certain though, i’d tell you that i forgive you, that i have forgiven you for quite some time now. i’d tell you that, not only that i’ve forgiven you, but that i’ve forgiven myself too, for a lot of things i said and a lot of things i couldn’t let go of, like how i blamed myself every day for over four years for not being enough for you. neither of use deserved any of that and i’m sorry i got you caught up in between myself and my insecurities. i should’ve known better, but i was so blinded by my love for you that all i really wanted was to be the one to make you happy.

i’d also have to tell you another important thing that you need to hear: i understand, v. i understand why you had to leave the way you did. i understand that you were confused and i know that your intentions were good. i also understand that all you wanted was for me to be happy, but you knew that you couldn’t give me what i deserved and that’s not your fault, nor mine.

i forgive you. i’m happy that you left the way you did. yes, it fucked me up for years, but i love the person i’ve become from the traumatic seed you planted and i wouldn’t change a thing, but i must also confess that i do, sometimes, miss the old me before i let you into my life. i used to be this happy and joyful person all the time. so much so that strangers would tell me that i’ve got a beautiful smile that lights up a room. i can’t remember the last time this has happened, but i know it will again, someday.

i really do miss you. i wish you talk to me, call me, text me, leave a voicemail. i wish we could run into each other at the gas station again or maybe at the park where you know i love to run at– the same place where we could’ve kissed under that gazebo. i yearn to walk that park with you again, to watch you watch the sun set on the pier, to hold you in my arms again and plant my face into your broad chest and smell you once more, in hopes it takes me back to the last time i got to embrace you years ago which feels like lifetimes ago.

for what it’s worth, i really do wish you the best, but most of all– i hope you have it already because you deserve so much, and more. i hope she gives you everything you want. i hope she puts a smile on your pretty face every day, kisses you good morning, kisses you goodnight, and i hope she makes you s’mores like i did after a long day and the taste of marshmallows and chocolate just somehow makes the day a little bit shorter in a good way.

right about now, old me would be saying, “but i wish i could be your happiness and i wish i could be the one making your day,” but that’s not who i am anymore. instead, i will say this:

you are the most beautiful human being i’ve ever laid eyes on and i’m so happy to be alive while you exist.

please… take good care of yourself.

sincerely,
bobby

November 2, 2020

Good evening Alex,

I came across your Instagram account about three years ago. Your posts and poetry are really heartwarming, especially when the days are bad. Thank you for creating such a great space for people to share your experiences and stories.

I haven’t been doing okay lately.

Last year, I met someone who was really amazing. She was sweet and kind– different from most, I would say. At the time, I wasn’t looking for anything, but she changed everything. I was happy. I thought we were great together.

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I wanted to spoil her for Valentine’s Day. I did and it didn’t go well. The day she received everything, she ended things with me and Ubered everything I got her that same hour. It wasn’t a nice thing to go through and I guess I’m still going through it.

I haven’t felt like this about anyone before. I try to check up on her by texting her. Sometimes she’ll reply, but majority of the time, she leaves me on read. I still really like her and care about her, but she doesn’t seem to appreciate everything I do.

I’ve always thought that my heart was always the best thing about me, but I guess that too is not enough anymore. It hurts. It brings me to tears. I feel so pathetic to be going on and complaining about this, especially with what’s going on with the world and COVID. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not sleeping well– can hardly keep my mind off her. I’m hardly eating either. If it wasn’t for my dogs, I think I would have done something I’ll regret.

Getting flashbacks of how things were and what they could of been– it’s so painful. I used to be happy before her. I used to be very active. I loved running and staying in shape. I haven’t been able to do those things over the years, it’s like I lost a piece of myself.

I always tried to keep the communication going between us because she won’t text me unless I do it first. We talked a month ago. She was going through some stuff. I tried to help her and be there for her. It seemed to be like old times, but she told me she has a boyfriend. During the time we communicated, she never mentioned him. I get weak moments and I send her a message just to make sure she’s okay and safe, but I get no response.

She looks happy with him. She deserves to be happy. She deserves everything. I just wish it could be with me. I’ve always thought by some miracle, we’d end up together again. I know how naïve and stupid that sounds. I had hope, but I guess now that’s never going to happen.

I know I’m breaking my own heart by trying to keep in touch with her and stuff, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a 25 year old guy that’s been holding on to her for so long. I just can’t breathe anymore. I just need everything to stop.

Sincerely,
Anonymous

november 1, 2020

dear crush,

i see you, but you do you see me? because i notice you from afar, when you step into a room, and how your smile lights up at the sight of someone you love and how i wish you’d smile at me like that, even if it was in a friendly way. 

i know you know i exist, but i don’t wanna just exist to you. i want to be a part of your every day life. i want to know what makes you angry. i want to know what makes you happy. and i want to know what your guilty pleasure is when you’re feeling sad and alone and eating your feelings away. 

i want to get to know the real you and not the you that wears a mask around everyone. you’re so shy and introverted, but i can sense that you’re the complete opposite with someone you know you can trust, someone who won’t judge you. 

i wish we could be closer, closer than what we already are, but i don’t know how to tell you that without jeopardizing what we already have. we may be “fine” now, but what happens if i say something that crosses that line and makes you uncomfortable and pushes you away? or worse, completely shut me out of your life forever? i don’t want that…

it kind of reminds me of mother earth being in love with the sun– the absolute thing that gives her life and how she has no idea how to repay him. how does she love him back if she can’t even get close to him, to kiss him, without being burned and destroying every single thing he created for her. what a beautiful tragedy. if only you understood that’s exactly how i feel about you. 

how do i love you without getting hurt? how do i say how i feel without pushing you away? or are we just two introverts, afraid of being rejected, when the ironic truth is, that we both feel the same, but we’re too afraid to speak up…

love always,  alex

I used to make up
scenarios in my head
of what it would be like
to see your eyes again.
Of all the ones I imagined,
the worst just had to happen.

© Letters From Alex

We all make msitaeks,
but you were never
one of them.

© Letters From Alex

I’m so grateful
we never had much
in common.

I’d hate to hate
things I used to love
before I loved you.

© Letters From Alex

The only way
I can describe
the way you left
is like,
throwing a ball
for a dog,
just for it
to return to
nobody there.

© Letters From Alex

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