wednesday, july 21, 2021

it’s half passed two in the morning and i can’t seem to get you out of my head. it’s nights like tonight, when i’ve got that one song on repeat for literally hours and i’m all alone with just my thoughts in my head that got me constantly asking myself: where did i go wrong?

i then begin to think of you and my mind suddenly drifts off to memories of you, especially to the moment where i’m kissing you, but it’s been so long since we’ve spoken and the sudden realization that our lips will never touch again comes back to haunt me and somehow makes my room ten degrees colder.

i then begin to wonder what i’d say to you if fate ever brings us back together, either by mere coincidence, or by some miracle that you reach out to me. i know one this is for certain though, i’d tell you that i forgive you, that i have forgiven you for quite some time now. i’d tell you that, not only that i’ve forgiven you, but that i’ve forgiven myself too, for a lot of things i said and a lot of things i couldn’t let go of, like how i blamed myself every day for over four years for not being enough for you. neither of use deserved any of that and i’m sorry i got you caught up in between myself and my insecurities. i should’ve known better, but i was so blinded by my love for you that all i really wanted was to be the one to make you happy.

i’d also have to tell you another important thing that you need to hear: i understand, v. i understand why you had to leave the way you did. i understand that you were confused and i know that your intentions were good. i also understand that all you wanted was for me to be happy, but you knew that you couldn’t give me what i deserved and that’s not your fault, nor mine.

i forgive you. i’m happy that you left the way you did. yes, it fucked me up for years, but i love the person i’ve become from the traumatic seed you planted and i wouldn’t change a thing, but i must also confess that i do, sometimes, miss the old me before i let you into my life. i used to be this happy and joyful person all the time. so much so that strangers would tell me that i’ve got a beautiful smile that lights up a room. i can’t remember the last time this has happened, but i know it will again, someday.

i really do miss you. i wish you talk to me, call me, text me, leave a voicemail. i wish we could run into each other at the gas station again or maybe at the park where you know i love to run at– the same place where we could’ve kissed under that gazebo. i yearn to walk that park with you again, to watch you watch the sun set on the pier, to hold you in my arms again and plant my face into your broad chest and smell you once more, in hopes it takes me back to the last time i got to embrace you years ago which feels like lifetimes ago.

for what it’s worth, i really do wish you the best, but most of all– i hope you have it already because you deserve so much, and more. i hope she gives you everything you want. i hope she puts a smile on your pretty face every day, kisses you good morning, kisses you goodnight, and i hope she makes you s’mores like i did after a long day and the taste of marshmallows and chocolate just somehow makes the day a little bit shorter in a good way.

right about now, old me would be saying, “but i wish i could be your happiness and i wish i could be the one making your day,” but that’s not who i am anymore. instead, i will say this:

you are the most beautiful human being i’ve ever laid eyes on and i’m so happy to be alive while you exist.

please… take good care of yourself.

sincerely,
bobby

sunday, may 9, 2021

to the boy with green eyes,

it’s currently 11:24pm and i’m listening to deadmau5’s aural synapse. i’m not sure if you like this kind of music actually because every time i give you my phone, you play a song i don’t even understand, but that’s my fault isn’t it. or maybe i can just blame it on my mother for not teaching me spanish when i was a kid, but that’s not fair to her either. i do wonder if that’s all you listen to? like, seriously? just kidding. i haven’t known you long enough to know a lot of things about you.

i suppose that’s the main reason why i’m writing this letter to you. i have so many things i want to confess to you, but it’s too early to tell how you’ll react to the things that are locked away inside my head. plus, at the moment, i have no idea if i will even give you this letter, but if i do, i hope it doesn’t change what we have, especially for the worse. i really like you as a person and the last thing i want is to push you away.

i should start off by saying that i think you’re a kind, selfless, gentle person with a very big heart. i feel, just like me, that you put other peoples’ lives and happiness in front of yours just to make them happy. you live vicariously through others and so long as the people around you are happy, you’re happy too. but are you really? are you truly, truly happy? content even? i only ask because i want you to be and i don’t mean to overstep when i say this, but a part of me just wants to cherish you and make you feel important and remind you that you deserve so much in this world, more than you know and i hope that someday you see that worth. i hope you get everything you ever wanted in life, in due time.

forgive me if i’m wrong…

i was so drawn to you the first moment i met you that one saturday at the gym. i asked you for your name, but i completely ignored you because i was so focused on your green eyes, which in my opinion, are your most attractive physical feature (and your smile being a very close second) and how they reminded me of someone. i literally had to go up to one of my friends and ask her what your name was because i was too embarrassed to ask you again. that same day, you sat next to me on the couch after the workout and just sat there for ten minutes, listening to a conversation my friends and i were having. you were so shy. i like shy. you pretended not to listen, but i knew you were. this too, was when i found out your favorite liquor is “vodka.” i put it in quotes because i can hear your accent in my head as i write it.

this may come off as a little pathetic, but as of late, ever since we’ve been hanging out more– going downtown and picking you up from the hotel, i’ve been daydreaming about your smile a lot. not only that, but that side-eye look you give me when i say something challenging or perhaps anything with a sarcastic tone. i catch myself smiling or laughing at that particular part of you way too much, like when i tell you to go heavier on your weights– side-eye stare/eye roll is your favorite, yet the perfect reaction.

in case you haven’t noticed, and i hate to admit this because it just makes me vulnerable– i adore you. i adore your eyes, your smile, your voice, your accent, your tattoos, your defined body, especially your legs, the shape of your nose, the color of your hair, your perfect teeth, the way you dress, those side-eye stares… just everything about you makes my heart hurt for every good reason, like when someone cries tears of joy. but above everything else, it’s your big heart and humble mind that makes you the most attractive. anybody would be so lucky to be loved by you and i really hope that pers– i mean girl, treats you the way you deserve to be loved.

i don’t know if you believe everything happens for a reason like i do, or if you believe that people come and go from our lives for a reason too, but whatever the case is, i thought you should know your importance to me and how coincidental the timing was.

months before we met, i was feeling very numb. completely numb. i didn’t feel sad, anxious, excited, not even happy. i’m not sure if you’ve ever felt this before, but it can sometimes feel worse than depression. for months, i was living day by day with no emotions, almost like a body without a soul, just feeling so empty inside and no food, no water, no love, or kindness could fill the void deep inside my chest.

not until you came around…

it all started the first day i picked you up from your hotel. you don’t understand how excited i was to see you and to be in your presence, to be in the same car as you and breathe the same air as you and maybe get to know you better than a “gym buddy.”

i can tell you were a bit nervous and a little shy when you got in the car. i mean, you’re still shy to this day, but i think it’s cute. why do i get the feeling that you’re always in deep thought?

days passed and we saw each other more often. those were the best days. the not so better days were still good days, like when i didn’t pick you up. i either hoped to see you in class or get a text from you because for once in a very long time, i finally feel so happy again. i forgot what it meant to be this… light and airy, as if i’m floating through the wind.

you have made me laugh, smile, blush, and taken my breath away more than you’ll ever know and i hope you know that i’m so grateful each time i get to be in your presence.

i’m the type of person that cherishes the smallest of things– like how you text me less than two minutes after dropping you off, “thanks for the ride.” seeing your name be the reason why my phone lights up makes my stomach flutter and seeing those words makes my heart melt. all i ever really need is for someone to speak their mind to me and tell me exactly what they’re thinking and feeling. is that too much to ask for?

you really are such a beautiful human being, inside and out and you deserve so much in this world. i really do hope you get exactly what you want in this lifetime.

i’m really sorry if i overstepped. i had to let all of these feelings out somehow. please, if i do ever give you this letter, don’t let things change unless they’re for the better. i don’t want to lose you as a friend and i really hope we can stay in touch whenever you do leave this place. if i’m assuming correctly, we have four months and twenty-one days left, but to be honest, it’s not something i want to think about. i mean, who’s really counting?

please don’t change that humble, kind, and selfless personality of yours. people like you are so difficult to find in this world.

lastly, i’m sure you have a lot of colleagues, friends, and family you can confide in and trust, but i hope you know you can come to me if you need anything.

¡buenas noches!

sincerely,
alex

ps i still have so much more to say…

august 29, 2017

i saw your younger brother at school today. you never introduced him to me (or vice-versa), but i recognized him from your family photos. my heart sank and my hands started involuntarily shaking.
it hurt seeing him too, which was strange, because i don’t even know him and i bet he doesn’t know me, but i guess it was the fact that he had your eyes that really put me down.
regardless, it got me wondering if he even knows my name, knows my face, knows my voice. it got me pondering if you ever talked about me to your friends or family and if they know that i exist, if they know how much of an impact i made on your life, and how i let you rest your heavy head on my shoulder when you mourned the love of your life with a still beating heart. does he (or anyone else for this matter) know the lengths i would’ve gone to make sure you were happy? the long nights i stayed up for you to make sure you were okay to drive home? do they know what kind of friend i was to you? anything at all? or was i just a shameful experiment?
you know, i really don’t know what’s worse about all this– the fact that they don’t know that i exist, that i’m just a complete stranger in the crowd, just another face in the library, in the hallway, just anywhere they are or if by some mere miracle, let’s say, you did tell them my name, you did show them a photo of me, or perhaps you did share your feelings about me– tell me, what is worse?
i wanna forget about you, but seeing someone who shares your blood, your same green eyes— it’s just too painful. and i honestly can’t tell what’s a worse scenario, being pitied by him, or being a ghost in the crowd.
tell me, who am i to the people you love, if anything at all…

February 4, 2021

Dear friend, 

A piece of me wants to give up on love, to give up on building a relationship with someone who may or may not feel the same way, but try anyway, in hopes that they do.

I trust the process, but I do not trust the start. I know and recognize the warning signs, the red flags because I know what I deserve and I know what I’m looking for, but nowadays, with options so easily accessible and out in the open with just a touch of your fingertips, it’s easy for someone to do a one-eighty and change their mind so quickly.

It’s the start of it all that scares me the most. I’m not one to move fast physically– I’m better than that, but I am guilty of one to get too emotionally invested too quickly and just way too hard. It’s honestly my biggest flaw. I despise it and I wish I could change it, but this is who I am and it’s what I have to deal with. One day, someone can have those words “I love you” pressed up against the roof of their mouth, just about ready to say it, but I make them wait because I’m scared– scared of being vulnerable and hopeful for someone who doesn’t plan on staying, but the feelings still linger anyway and it’s a safe assumption that they do have feelings for me too or at least some sort of feeling.

But then, from one day to the next, from almost witnessing the person you think could be the one, your forever, wanting to say “I love you” to the next day hearing, “I’m not interested in you anymore,” just opens up old wounds that I thought were fully healed. I don’t deserve this. I was done feeling this way, or, so I thought.

There’s just no warning signs when getting to know someone for the first time, regardless if they’re from your past or not. I trusted him nine years ago. We were supposed to fill in that gap. Together. But you said those magic words and my walls went up again and my guard did just the same. It’s not your fault though. It’s mine for getting too attached way too quickly, but I am not taking the blame for everything. You knew what I was looking for and you led me on to believe you loved me. It’s so pathetic that you turned out to be just like the rest of them.

Consider yourself lucky and privileged that I let you into my life and take a chance with me because I know my worth and you do not meet my standards. Not after what you did. I thought I would be used to this heartache by now. I don’t feel as bad for myself as I do for the next person who decides to fall in love with me.

Sincerely, 
Alex

November 2, 2020

Good evening Alex,

I came across your Instagram account about three years ago. Your posts and poetry are really heartwarming, especially when the days are bad. Thank you for creating such a great space for people to share your experiences and stories.

I haven’t been doing okay lately.

Last year, I met someone who was really amazing. She was sweet and kind– different from most, I would say. At the time, I wasn’t looking for anything, but she changed everything. I was happy. I thought we were great together.

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I wanted to spoil her for Valentine’s Day. I did and it didn’t go well. The day she received everything, she ended things with me and Ubered everything I got her that same hour. It wasn’t a nice thing to go through and I guess I’m still going through it.

I haven’t felt like this about anyone before. I try to check up on her by texting her. Sometimes she’ll reply, but majority of the time, she leaves me on read. I still really like her and care about her, but she doesn’t seem to appreciate everything I do.

I’ve always thought that my heart was always the best thing about me, but I guess that too is not enough anymore. It hurts. It brings me to tears. I feel so pathetic to be going on and complaining about this, especially with what’s going on with the world and COVID. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not sleeping well– can hardly keep my mind off her. I’m hardly eating either. If it wasn’t for my dogs, I think I would have done something I’ll regret.

Getting flashbacks of how things were and what they could of been– it’s so painful. I used to be happy before her. I used to be very active. I loved running and staying in shape. I haven’t been able to do those things over the years, it’s like I lost a piece of myself.

I always tried to keep the communication going between us because she won’t text me unless I do it first. We talked a month ago. She was going through some stuff. I tried to help her and be there for her. It seemed to be like old times, but she told me she has a boyfriend. During the time we communicated, she never mentioned him. I get weak moments and I send her a message just to make sure she’s okay and safe, but I get no response.

She looks happy with him. She deserves to be happy. She deserves everything. I just wish it could be with me. I’ve always thought by some miracle, we’d end up together again. I know how naïve and stupid that sounds. I had hope, but I guess now that’s never going to happen.

I know I’m breaking my own heart by trying to keep in touch with her and stuff, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a 25 year old guy that’s been holding on to her for so long. I just can’t breathe anymore. I just need everything to stop.

Sincerely,
Anonymous

november 1, 2020

dear crush,

i see you, but you do you see me? because i notice you from afar, when you step into a room, and how your smile lights up at the sight of someone you love and how i wish you’d smile at me like that, even if it was in a friendly way. 

i know you know i exist, but i don’t wanna just exist to you. i want to be a part of your every day life. i want to know what makes you angry. i want to know what makes you happy. and i want to know what your guilty pleasure is when you’re feeling sad and alone and eating your feelings away. 

i want to get to know the real you and not the you that wears a mask around everyone. you’re so shy and introverted, but i can sense that you’re the complete opposite with someone you know you can trust, someone who won’t judge you. 

i wish we could be closer, closer than what we already are, but i don’t know how to tell you that without jeopardizing what we already have. we may be “fine” now, but what happens if i say something that crosses that line and makes you uncomfortable and pushes you away? or worse, completely shut me out of your life forever? i don’t want that…

it kind of reminds me of mother earth being in love with the sun– the absolute thing that gives her life and how she has no idea how to repay him. how does she love him back if she can’t even get close to him, to kiss him, without being burned and destroying every single thing he created for her. what a beautiful tragedy. if only you understood that’s exactly how i feel about you. 

how do i love you without getting hurt? how do i say how i feel without pushing you away? or are we just two introverts, afraid of being rejected, when the ironic truth is, that we both feel the same, but we’re too afraid to speak up…

love always,  alex

it seems to be
impossible
to find someone
i want and need,
much less
find someone
who wants and needs
me too, but
i’m a patient person
and i’m hopeful that
someday,
somewhere,
somehow,
my other half
is waiting for me too

i just hope it’s in this lifetime…

© Letters From Alex

I used to make up
scenarios in my head
of what it would be like
to see your eyes again.
Of all the ones I imagined,
the worst just had to happen.

© Letters From Alex

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