wednesday, july 21, 2021

it’s half passed two in the morning and i can’t seem to get you out of my head. it’s nights like tonight, when i’ve got that one song on repeat for literally hours and i’m all alone with just my thoughts in my head that got me constantly asking myself: where did i go wrong?

i then begin to think of you and my mind suddenly drifts off to memories of you, especially to the moment where i’m kissing you, but it’s been so long since we’ve spoken and the sudden realization that our lips will never touch again comes back to haunt me and somehow makes my room ten degrees colder.

i then begin to wonder what i’d say to you if fate ever brings us back together, either by mere coincidence, or by some miracle that you reach out to me. i know one this is for certain though, i’d tell you that i forgive you, that i have forgiven you for quite some time now. i’d tell you that, not only that i’ve forgiven you, but that i’ve forgiven myself too, for a lot of things i said and a lot of things i couldn’t let go of, like how i blamed myself every day for over four years for not being enough for you. neither of use deserved any of that and i’m sorry i got you caught up in between myself and my insecurities. i should’ve known better, but i was so blinded by my love for you that all i really wanted was to be the one to make you happy.

i’d also have to tell you another important thing that you need to hear: i understand, v. i understand why you had to leave the way you did. i understand that you were confused and i know that your intentions were good. i also understand that all you wanted was for me to be happy, but you knew that you couldn’t give me what i deserved and that’s not your fault, nor mine.

i forgive you. i’m happy that you left the way you did. yes, it fucked me up for years, but i love the person i’ve become from the traumatic seed you planted and i wouldn’t change a thing, but i must also confess that i do, sometimes, miss the old me before i let you into my life. i used to be this happy and joyful person all the time. so much so that strangers would tell me that i’ve got a beautiful smile that lights up a room. i can’t remember the last time this has happened, but i know it will again, someday.

i really do miss you. i wish you talk to me, call me, text me, leave a voicemail. i wish we could run into each other at the gas station again or maybe at the park where you know i love to run at– the same place where we could’ve kissed under that gazebo. i yearn to walk that park with you again, to watch you watch the sun set on the pier, to hold you in my arms again and plant my face into your broad chest and smell you once more, in hopes it takes me back to the last time i got to embrace you years ago which feels like lifetimes ago.

for what it’s worth, i really do wish you the best, but most of all– i hope you have it already because you deserve so much, and more. i hope she gives you everything you want. i hope she puts a smile on your pretty face every day, kisses you good morning, kisses you goodnight, and i hope she makes you s’mores like i did after a long day and the taste of marshmallows and chocolate just somehow makes the day a little bit shorter in a good way.

right about now, old me would be saying, “but i wish i could be your happiness and i wish i could be the one making your day,” but that’s not who i am anymore. instead, i will say this:

you are the most beautiful human being i’ve ever laid eyes on and i’m so happy to be alive while you exist.

please… take good care of yourself.

sincerely,
bobby

sunday, may 9, 2021

to the boy with green eyes,

it’s currently 11:24pm and i’m listening to deadmau5’s aural synapse. i’m not sure if you like this kind of music actually because every time i give you my phone, you play a song i don’t even understand, but that’s my fault isn’t it. or maybe i can just blame it on my mother for not teaching me spanish when i was a kid, but that’s not fair to her either. i do wonder if that’s all you listen to? like, seriously? just kidding. i haven’t known you long enough to know a lot of things about you.

i suppose that’s the main reason why i’m writing this letter to you. i have so many things i want to confess to you, but it’s too early to tell how you’ll react to the things that are locked away inside my head. plus, at the moment, i have no idea if i will even give you this letter, but if i do, i hope it doesn’t change what we have, especially for the worse. i really like you as a person and the last thing i want is to push you away.

i should start off by saying that i think you’re a kind, selfless, gentle person with a very big heart. i feel, just like me, that you put other peoples’ lives and happiness in front of yours just to make them happy. you live vicariously through others and so long as the people around you are happy, you’re happy too. but are you really? are you truly, truly happy? content even? i only ask because i want you to be and i don’t mean to overstep when i say this, but a part of me just wants to cherish you and make you feel important and remind you that you deserve so much in this world, more than you know and i hope that someday you see that worth. i hope you get everything you ever wanted in life, in due time.

forgive me if i’m wrong…

i was so drawn to you the first moment i met you that one saturday at the gym. i asked you for your name, but i completely ignored you because i was so focused on your green eyes, which in my opinion, are your most attractive physical feature (and your smile being a very close second) and how they reminded me of someone. i literally had to go up to one of my friends and ask her what your name was because i was too embarrassed to ask you again. that same day, you sat next to me on the couch after the workout and just sat there for ten minutes, listening to a conversation my friends and i were having. you were so shy. i like shy. you pretended not to listen, but i knew you were. this too, was when i found out your favorite liquor is “vodka.” i put it in quotes because i can hear your accent in my head as i write it.

this may come off as a little pathetic, but as of late, ever since we’ve been hanging out more– going downtown and picking you up from the hotel, i’ve been daydreaming about your smile a lot. not only that, but that side-eye look you give me when i say something challenging or perhaps anything with a sarcastic tone. i catch myself smiling or laughing at that particular part of you way too much, like when i tell you to go heavier on your weights– side-eye stare/eye roll is your favorite, yet the perfect reaction.

in case you haven’t noticed, and i hate to admit this because it just makes me vulnerable– i adore you. i adore your eyes, your smile, your voice, your accent, your tattoos, your defined body, especially your legs, the shape of your nose, the color of your hair, your perfect teeth, the way you dress, those side-eye stares… just everything about you makes my heart hurt for every good reason, like when someone cries tears of joy. but above everything else, it’s your big heart and humble mind that makes you the most attractive. anybody would be so lucky to be loved by you and i really hope that pers– i mean girl, treats you the way you deserve to be loved.

i don’t know if you believe everything happens for a reason like i do, or if you believe that people come and go from our lives for a reason too, but whatever the case is, i thought you should know your importance to me and how coincidental the timing was.

months before we met, i was feeling very numb. completely numb. i didn’t feel sad, anxious, excited, not even happy. i’m not sure if you’ve ever felt this before, but it can sometimes feel worse than depression. for months, i was living day by day with no emotions, almost like a body without a soul, just feeling so empty inside and no food, no water, no love, or kindness could fill the void deep inside my chest.

not until you came around…

it all started the first day i picked you up from your hotel. you don’t understand how excited i was to see you and to be in your presence, to be in the same car as you and breathe the same air as you and maybe get to know you better than a “gym buddy.”

i can tell you were a bit nervous and a little shy when you got in the car. i mean, you’re still shy to this day, but i think it’s cute. why do i get the feeling that you’re always in deep thought?

days passed and we saw each other more often. those were the best days. the not so better days were still good days, like when i didn’t pick you up. i either hoped to see you in class or get a text from you because for once in a very long time, i finally feel so happy again. i forgot what it meant to be this… light and airy, as if i’m floating through the wind.

you have made me laugh, smile, blush, and taken my breath away more than you’ll ever know and i hope you know that i’m so grateful each time i get to be in your presence.

i’m the type of person that cherishes the smallest of things– like how you text me less than two minutes after dropping you off, “thanks for the ride.” seeing your name be the reason why my phone lights up makes my stomach flutter and seeing those words makes my heart melt. all i ever really need is for someone to speak their mind to me and tell me exactly what they’re thinking and feeling. is that too much to ask for?

you really are such a beautiful human being, inside and out and you deserve so much in this world. i really do hope you get exactly what you want in this lifetime.

i’m really sorry if i overstepped. i had to let all of these feelings out somehow. please, if i do ever give you this letter, don’t let things change unless they’re for the better. i don’t want to lose you as a friend and i really hope we can stay in touch whenever you do leave this place. if i’m assuming correctly, we have four months and twenty-one days left, but to be honest, it’s not something i want to think about. i mean, who’s really counting?

please don’t change that humble, kind, and selfless personality of yours. people like you are so difficult to find in this world.

lastly, i’m sure you have a lot of colleagues, friends, and family you can confide in and trust, but i hope you know you can come to me if you need anything.

¡buenas noches!

sincerely,
alex

ps i still have so much more to say…

august 29, 2017

i saw your younger brother at school today. you never introduced him to me (or vice-versa), but i recognized him from your family photos. my heart sank and my hands started involuntarily shaking.
it hurt seeing him too, which was strange, because i don’t even know him and i bet he doesn’t know me, but i guess it was the fact that he had your eyes that really put me down.
regardless, it got me wondering if he even knows my name, knows my face, knows my voice. it got me pondering if you ever talked about me to your friends or family and if they know that i exist, if they know how much of an impact i made on your life, and how i let you rest your heavy head on my shoulder when you mourned the love of your life with a still beating heart. does he (or anyone else for this matter) know the lengths i would’ve gone to make sure you were happy? the long nights i stayed up for you to make sure you were okay to drive home? do they know what kind of friend i was to you? anything at all? or was i just a shameful experiment?
you know, i really don’t know what’s worse about all this– the fact that they don’t know that i exist, that i’m just a complete stranger in the crowd, just another face in the library, in the hallway, just anywhere they are or if by some mere miracle, let’s say, you did tell them my name, you did show them a photo of me, or perhaps you did share your feelings about me– tell me, what is worse?
i wanna forget about you, but seeing someone who shares your blood, your same green eyes— it’s just too painful. and i honestly can’t tell what’s a worse scenario, being pitied by him, or being a ghost in the crowd.
tell me, who am i to the people you love, if anything at all…

august 29, 2017

i saw your younger brother at school today. you never introduced him to me (or vice-versa), but i recognized him from your family photos. my heart sank and my hands started involuntarily shaking. it hurt seeing him too, which was strange, because i don’t even know him and i bet he doesn’t know me. but it got me wondering if he even knows my name, knows my face, knows my voice. it got me pondering if you ever even talked about me to your friends or family and if they know that i exist, if they know how much of an impact i made on your life, and how i let you rest your heavy head on my shoulder when you mourned the love of your life with a still beating heart. does he (or anyone else for this matter) know the lengths i would’ve gone to make sure you were happy? the long nights i stayed up for you to make sure you were okay to drive home? do they know what kind of friend i was to you? anything at all? or was i just a shameful experiment? you know, i really don’t know what’s worse about all this– the fact that they don’t know that i exist, that i’m just a complete stranger in the crowd, just another face in the library, in the hallway, just anywhere they are or if by some mere miracle, let’s say, you did tell them my name, you did show them a photo, you did share your feelings about me– i honestly can’t tell what’s a worse scenario, being pitied, or being a nobody in the crowd. who am i to the people you love?

Hey. I don’t know why I’m sending you this because I know you won’t reply. To be honest, I have no idea if you even get my texts, but I’m doing it anyway because I miss you and I’m the type of person to let people know that they’re on my mind and something in my stomach is telling me to do this, even though my brain is telling me not to. I just need you to know that I miss you. I miss you so damn much that it hurts. I think about you constantly; in my room, on my bed, in the shower, while I’m brushing my teeth, on the drive to work, on the drive back home. I don’t know how it’s possible, but it is. I sometimes wonder if think of me too. I hope you do, even if it’s not as much, but at least for a moment– just a moment, a millisecond. I have to remind myself every day that you’re happier without me, just to keep myself sane and distracted from the million dollar question that still haunts me today: “Why did you have to leave me the way you did?” I don’t know if you’re actually happy, I just assume and hope for the best because that’s what you deserve. I heard that you’re getting married. I don’t know how to feel about that or what to say. I guess I’m just a little upset that you didn’t bother telling me yourself. I mean, why couldn’t you? Are you really that afraid of me? Are you ashamed of what I think? Are you still confused? Or have we simply just passed the point of no return? Regardless, nothing answers if I should congratulate you or pity you. I know you love her, I know you do, but I also know you loved me too– or at least started to, until you ran far far away, as fast as you could, just like The Flash. Was that really simpler than saying, “I don’t love you” or “I can’t do this anymore”? Don’t get me wrong. I want to be happy for you. I really do. It’s just– I don’t know how to do that when all I ever wanted was to be your happiness, not be happy for you as I watch you from a distant. I promise I’m trying though. We haven’t spoken, much less seen each other in over a year, so, I don’t know how you feel about me anymore. Do I even exist to you? Or am I just another person you pretend is dead in your head? Do you still have my favorite songs in your playlist? I was driving back home tonight and it got me wondering if you do. It was late and dark, but the full moon still guided me home and got me thinking of you. That one song started playing on the radio and reminded me of all the good times we once had. I love those memories, but I’m selfish and greedy when it comes to you. These memories just aren’t enough. I want you. Physically, not spiritually, or just in my head. I want you beside me or on top of me. I’ll take what I can get if it means you’ll come over tonight. I’m home alone, scared with no one to hold. I’m desperate. I just want to be wrapped in your arms one last time. I want you to whisper something in my ear– something you never built the courage to say before: “I love you.” I need to hear those words to slip from your tongue because I’m the type of person that needs constant reassurance. Maybe then I’ll finally understand, because all I have lingering in my head are theories– theories of us, of our story, and why you had to leave our chapter at a cliffhanger with no answers. I understand that you’ve always had trouble expressing your feelings. You always have been a quiet person ever since I first laid eyes on you in art class, but I think that’s what intrigued me the most about you because the most quiet people have the most things to say and the most things on their mind, and oh how I wanted to dissect that brain of yours. You were so innocent and kind and selfless. Just another boy with a big heart. Which is how I know you never intended to hurt me. You never knew what the right thing to do was, but that doesn’t justify why you left the way you did. You didn’t have to do it that way. I deserved, a better goodbye.

– the unsent text 11:32pm 6/29/18 | Patreon

February 4, 2021

Dear friend, 

A piece of me wants to give up on love, to give up on building a relationship with someone who may or may not feel the same way, but try anyway, in hopes that they do.

I trust the process, but I do not trust the start. I know and recognize the warning signs, the red flags because I know what I deserve and I know what I’m looking for, but nowadays, with options so easily accessible and out in the open with just a touch of your fingertips, it’s easy for someone to do a one-eighty and change their mind so quickly.

It’s the start of it all that scares me the most. I’m not one to move fast physically– I’m better than that, but I am guilty of one to get too emotionally invested too quickly and just way too hard. It’s honestly my biggest flaw. I despise it and I wish I could change it, but this is who I am and it’s what I have to deal with. One day, someone can have those words “I love you” pressed up against the roof of their mouth, just about ready to say it, but I make them wait because I’m scared– scared of being vulnerable and hopeful for someone who doesn’t plan on staying, but the feelings still linger anyway and it’s a safe assumption that they do have feelings for me too or at least some sort of feeling.

But then, from one day to the next, from almost witnessing the person you think could be the one, your forever, wanting to say “I love you” to the next day hearing, “I’m not interested in you anymore,” just opens up old wounds that I thought were fully healed. I don’t deserve this. I was done feeling this way, or, so I thought.

There’s just no warning signs when getting to know someone for the first time, regardless if they’re from your past or not. I trusted him nine years ago. We were supposed to fill in that gap. Together. But you said those magic words and my walls went up again and my guard did just the same. It’s not your fault though. It’s mine for getting too attached way too quickly, but I am not taking the blame for everything. You knew what I was looking for and you led me on to believe you loved me. It’s so pathetic that you turned out to be just like the rest of them.

Consider yourself lucky and privileged that I let you into my life and take a chance with me because I know my worth and you do not meet my standards. Not after what you did. I thought I would be used to this heartache by now. I don’t feel as bad for myself as I do for the next person who decides to fall in love with me.

Sincerely, 
Alex

august 5, 2016

dear friend,

i just need someone to talk to

i’ve had a lot on my mind lately. mostly about a boy. he lives a little far from me, but he’s worth the drive when i get to see him. the distance may suck sometimes and he’s not really great at communicating most of the time. to be honest, i get a little hurt when he doesn’t reply to me quickly or at all, but i’m working on fixing my impatient ways.

sometimes, i feel like i’m being annoying when i bother him too much. i start to overthink things when he doesn’t talk to me for days. i start feeling like i did something wrong or i’ll start thinking that i’m not enough. i put myself down so much– i guess so he won’t. i know that’s not healthy, but i just want to be his somebody, like i’m someone worthy– an important piece of his life that he can’t let go of, because that’s how i feel about him.

when he’s not around, he’s all i can think about and what makes me sad is that i’m not the person he thinks about when he’s alone. instead, he’s thinking about her and that’s because she’s the one that hurt him. do you understand?

i get the feeling that he doesn’t think about me at all. he doesn’t show it. he doesn’t tell me he misses me unless i say it first. he doesn’t tell me something reminded him of me. he doesn’t dedicate any songs to me. he doesn’t even ask me how my day has gone. and he doesn’t wish me a good night’s sleep like he used to.

that’s how he makes me feel when i’m not around him and i know i shouldn’t expect much from him because i realize that i do, but in this given moment, i have nobody else in my mind of who i can see myself with for the rest of my life.

so, i start telling myself that i’m going to be lonely for the rest of my life and that i can live with that idea. if i can’t have this one guy, well, nobody else is going to make me as happy as he did. nobody will compare. and each day that passes, i start to believe that will be true someday.

he’s not one to talk, much less show his emotions. i’m constantly on the lookout for any sign of subtle abnormal body movement or facial expression, just to even guess what he’s thinking about. i try to call him, on nights when i’m missing his voice the most, but he never answers, much less urges to call back.

but then i start thinking about all the feelings he makes me feel when he is finally around me, in my presence, breathing the same air i’m breathing.

like when i see him for the first time in a long time– my heart starts racing, my legs give out, my hands begin to sweat and shake, and i can’t even breathe right.

when i’m around him, i forget about the world. i forget about my problems. it’s like he has the power of reversing gravity and he doesn’t even know it. 

and when he smiles, i can’t help but smile with him.

and when he laughs, i can’t help but laugh with him.

and when he looks at me, i can’t look away.

and don’t even get me started with his voice.

and when we cuddle, i can’t help but love the feeling when he holds me tighter when he feels me slipping away– it makes me feel safe, sheltered, protected. he feels like home.

and in my eyes, he can do no wrong.

i will be honest and say that he doesn’t have a great personality. it is good, though, or at least good enough for me. he’s mostly there for me when i need him. he can relate to me and knows exactly how i’m feeling even when i can’t fully explain why. and i like that he is so innocent– that’s probably my favorite trait.

i just wish he showed a little more appreciation. i wish he tried a little harder. and i also wish he didn’t shut people out when he is sad, but i guess that’s just who he is and i’m willing to love those bad habits of his even though i know they’ll bother me down the line and maybe hurt me.

he’s been making bad choices lately when he’s sad like drinking and smoking. i really wish he didn’t do that. there’s other ways to mend pain or at least distract it.

for example, he could start journaling like i do. i didn’t know what else to do when he left me the way he did, but i found my medium. i write letters to him even though i’m well-aware that he’s never going to read them, but i had no other choice.

i just hope he doesn’t regret the drinking and the smoking later in life. i really do care about him and his well-being so much. i just wish he cared and loved himself as much as i do. i want him to be happy. of course, i want him to be happy, but i desire to be the one that makes him happy.

so, do i think he’s worth it? i’m not sure. maybe he is. maybe he’s not. and if he’s the latter, then that makes me sad because i want to be his happiness even if it kills me. i want to be the person that puts a smile on his face. i want to be what he is to me. i just want him to feel the things i feel toward him, but i can’t make someone love me, can i?

he’s in love with someone else. someone that he’s loved for a very long time. but she left him and she’s off with some other guy, living another life, another story with someone else and he doesn’t deserve that.

“she’s talking to some other guy. she’s happy, but i want to be the one that makes her happy.”

he said that one day to me and i broke down a little inside at the fact that he is so oblivious at the fact that i am right there in front of him, listening to the pain in his voice and i can’t do anything about it. instead, he was drinking and drinking, wasting his life away. if he really loved her, shouldn’t he be out there chasing her? winning her back?

someone else out there loves him and cares for him so deeply and would do anything in the world just to make him happy. that someone is me, but he won’t choose me because i’m a he. do you understand?

i’m here, waiting for him like a sad lost puppy. he hurts me when he’s hurting over her because just like seeing him happy makes me happy, seeing him sad makes me sad too. he ignores me too much even if it’s just a simple text that says, “i hope you’re having a better day today!” i don’t even get a thank you and all i’m trying to do is make him smile again because i miss it. that’s all i need. i need to feel validated by your smile.

the things he feels for her right now: the sadness, the loneliness, the rejection, that hole in his chest where his heart once was, all those feelings he has toward her, they’re exactly how i feel about him.

so, why is it that he puts me through this? he tells me he feels bad when he hurts me and that he doesn’t mean to, but he does it anyway. i want to believe it’s not intentional, but he says nothing to stray me away from my bad thoughts. instead, he shuts me out.

i miss the old him, the one that used to be happy all the time. i hope that person still exists. i hope he’s still alive. and if he is, i hope he comes back soon because i hate to see what he’s doing to himself.

i love him as a friend, but i want to be more than that. i worry about him so much. i know i shouldn’t but it’s in my nature. i’m a worrier, not a warrior.

i’ll be patient. when he’s ready, i’ll be here for him. i’ll be his shoulder to cry on when he’s sad. i’ll be the wall he wants to punch when he’s angry. i’ll be the one to catch him when he falls.

i just hope he doesn’t make me wait too long because only he can put my broken heart back together.

love always,
alex

August 28, 2015

I know I do this a lot to you…
I always send you long essays of how I feel about you, I know it must get annoying. But here’s another one for you, and hopefully the last.
I really like you and I really do care about you.
But being your friend is just too hard for me.
I can never stop thinking about you and all I want is to see your face every day.
I want us to be more than friends. I want us to be each other’s happiness, but I know that will never happen.
You have your girlfriend. And you seem to love her very much.
Your parents (in my perspective) seem very narrow minded and would never condone you being with a man, and probably won’t accept me.

I was willing to leave my boyfriend for you… Only because you were the only person that was making me happy. Everyone around me just seemed to be sucking the life out of me. And forgive me if I’m wrong but when you’re around me you seem happy too. (Even if it’s not just because of me but because you’re around friends, I still enjoy seeing you smile).

My boyfriend and I have been together for so long… 
 And you may not know this but we fight almost constantly and I can’t tell anymore if I’m happy.
Then I wonder if I’d treat another person the same way I treat my him now – so violent and vulgar. 

After that miraculous night we had together, I cried for days, I felt guilty with what we had done together the night before. I didn’t regret it, when was that night ever going to happen again? Never. So I let it happen. But I felt guilty because in my head I want to be more than friends. I want to be your boyfriend. And doing that made me feel like we were moving too quickly and ruined everything for me. I lost respect for myself. But… Then I started to think… Why does this even matter if we’ll never be together anyway?

After being depressed for days my boyfriend made me talk to him about it and shockingly, I actually didn’t need to talk much. He knew what I was going through. He knows how much I like you. I told him about the night I kissed you on the cheek… I thought that was going to make him upset. But it surprisingly didn’t. Then I told him what we do when he steps into the bathroom… Like that night. The way you were holding me and the way I held onto you. I didn’t want to let you go. And how we were breathing into each other’s necks. And how we kissed each other’s lips for the first time. I didn’t want it to stop. I didn’t want that to end.

Even after explaining that to him too he wasn’t upset. He just told me to think for myself and not worry about anyone else.
I started to cry… Not because I wanted to leave my boyfriend… But because of the thought of us never working out was hurting me so much. 

So many thoughts were rushing thru my head, things that could tear us apart or keep us from staying together.
“What if he wanted to keep our relationship a secret… How long before I wanted his family and friends to know about me?”
“What if he ends up missing his girlfriend. Would he leave me to go back with her?”
“Would I leave you to go back with my boyfriend?”
“Would my family accept you?”
“Does he really like me as much as I think he does?” Probably not…
And the ultimate question, “Will he do what he’s doing now with me, to someone else, behind my back?”

All these problems would be in our way and what depresses me the most is that you probably don’t even care.
But with all these risks and problems would it really matter? If we really liked each other and could love each other… Why should we let those things get in our way? If we really cared about each other the way we claim we do, I know I’d do anything for you and not let anything get in my way. But what about you? You say you think of me, you say you miss me, but where’s the proof? I don’t know what to believe anymore.  

You once said that I don’t deserve to be ignored and it’s unfair that you never talk to me but I am always there for you. I think that’s the only thing we can both agree on. I’m not gonna be a pushover anymore. I’m tired of getting so hurt by you and being depressed over someone who doesn’t even care enough to take 30 seconds out of their fucking life to send me a damn message asking “How was your day?”

You don’t deserve me as a friend. And what sucks the most… Even after all this… I’ll STILL be there for you if you ever need me because that’s the type of friend I am… But I’m done coming to you and being ignored. Maybe it is best that we’re not friends anymore. I’m tired of getting so hurt by you. You only reply to me when you want to talk and not when I need you the most as a friend. How is that fair at all for me?

I really hope this clears up everything for you. I’m not writing this to make you feel bad, because honestly, that is not my intention. I just want you to understand and know what I go thru when I tell you goodbye forever and then send you a message days later saying sorry, and that I didn’t mean it. I just DON’T know what to do anymore. I just really, really, really, LIKE you more than a friend, and love you AS  a friend. It’s crazy how much I care about you and want to see you happy.

But… because of how I feel, it’s hard to be your friend when you constantly make me sad all the time. And honestly. I just wish you’d tell me how you felt. Whether it’s that you feel the same way, or the complete opposite, or think that I should just suck it up and be a fucking man and keep talking to you then tell me! Just tell me! Say anything to me. It’s better than leaving me guessing.

I know I shouldn’t be sorry, but I am. I’m sorry for everything. I promise that I won’t do something like this again. I don’t mean to be wasting your time.
I’m seriously going to miss you.

Love always,
Alex

November 4, 2020

Good evening Alex, I came across your Instagram account about three years ago. Your posts and poetry are really heartwarming, especially when the …

November 2, 2020

Good evening Anon,

I just wanted to start off by saying, thank you for reaching out and saying those kind words. I’m glad that my writing and my poetry have helped you in ways that (sometimes) I don’t comprehend, but I guess it’s because I don’t give myself enough credit. Honestly, there’s days when I hate it and don’t understand how other people can relate to the things I write about, but I think that’s in every artists’ mind– to hate their own art.

So, thank you so much for that kind, validating reminder.

It tears my heart apart to read what you’ve written to me. It’s such a tragedy, to go what you’ve been through. And I just wanted to say and to remind you that everything that you’re feeling: the hurting, the crying, not eating, not drinking, and feeling like you could do something you’ll regret– that is normal and natural when you are grieving.

You.
Are.
Grieving.

And I just want to make sure that you know, anything you’re doing and everything you’re feeling is natural and it is valid. Take all the time you need to get over this person, but you must remember to also take care of yourself.

In case you don’t know my whole story, I’ll paraphrase it for you because we seem to have gone through a similar situation, but I believe we’ve felt the same thing.

I fell in love with this boy whom I’ve known since High School, but I didn’t really know I loved him at the time. We had a class together, but that was only Freshman year. We didn’t really talk, at all, actually, after that, but we kept up every once in a while when we’d see each other during lunch or run into each other in the hallways. Looking back, I realize now that I always found him attractive, but I was only 15 and I wasn’t sure if it was attraction or curiosity. I was still figuring myself out back then.

Fast forward eight years later, we rekindled after he and his girlfriend broke up. I was there for him for literally the worst time of his life. He was in a really bad place. He started doing drugs and drinking alcohol excessively (the latter which he never really did, to my understanding), sometimes both. I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to the boy that was always smiling in High School.

When I heard that him and his girlfriend of about 5 years broke up, I travelled to Austin just to go see him. At the time, I was still with my boyfriend, so he went with me too. Honestly, I reluctantly took him, but I know myself and I, too, would have done something I would’ve regretted.

If I’m being honest though, my boyfriend at the time knew how I felt about him and didn’t mind it. We were together for over 6 years, and it just got to that point where we both knew we weren’t happy with each other anymore and if me being with this other guy for a weekend made me happy, it made him happy for me.

I can’t describe how nice and validating it felt to be there for him when he needed me the most. I remember being in the hotel room with him while my boyfriend was in the restroom and holding his hand and asking him if he’s okay.

“I’m okay right now,” he said. Do you understand how important that made me feel? Even if it was just a weekend, it was enough for me and obviously enough for him that we were sitting side-by-side of one another. How our presence alone lifted the weight of our collapsing world off our shoulders.

I did my best to keep him distracted. I took him to the arcade. That was nice. He taught me how to play Typing of the Dead. It was actually pretty funny– I’m a writer, constantly typing away on my computer, but oddly enough, he was beating me at the game and keeping me alive. How ironic.

He spent the night with me and my boyfriend in the hotel. We mostly talked. He said she cheated. I told him he didn’t deserve that. He knew that, but I guess he was still hung up on her for some reason. I mean, I get it, she’s his first love, but is it really that worth it? Was he really that blinded?

I guess he was, because I was right there…
Right…
There.

The next morning, I remember him waking up to phone calls and text messages from his cousins he was living with because they freaked out that he didn’t get home the night before. So, I took him home (alone), but not before I bought him Chick-Fil-A.

“You don’t have to get me anything. I don’t have any money,” he said, but I insisted. I expected nothing in return and I knew if I didn’t buy him anything to eat, he wouldn’t have eaten anyway.

I dropped him off after saying goodbye more times than my one hand can count. If there’s anything we both had in common, it’s that we dreaded goodbyes. I could tell he didn’t want to leave my side and I sensed that he had a good time and that I made him happy, really happy.

I felt like I had a purpose when I was around him– that purpose being to mend not just his heart, but his soul too. I saw it in his eyes. He wasn’t just broken beyond repair, he was shattered; lost in a void. All I ever wanted was to be there for him to make sure that he’s okay because he deserves so much happiness, but what came next made me realize: you can’t save anybody.

The following month, after that weekend with him, we kept in touch every other day and for once, he was messaging me first. The “Good morning” or “Good night” texts were always the best, because I knew I was either the very first thing he thought of when he woke up or the very last thing he thought of before going to sleep.

The month after that, I finally broke it off with my boyfriend. After 6 and a half long years of being together, we finally admitted to ourselves that we just weren’t happy anymore. We were just using each other and kept things going because we were comfortable and complacent. We thought we deserved each other, but how did we know that if we never tried finding love with someone else? Or even within ourselves?

I then took the opportunity to have more alone time with this other boy who was still broken, distraught, and grieving the loss of his girlfriend. Even though it had already been four months by this time, I didn’t judge him nor did I ever make him feel uncomfortable. Grieving takes time. He needed space. But I also knew he needed a shoulder to cry on every once in a while. So, I let it be. Whenever he needed me, I was there for him.

For the following months, we started to do a lot more things together. I got him into a lot of TV shows. He got me hooked on some anime. We ate a lot of junk food together. My favorite time was when we both made s’mores for the first time and he got his lips, cheek, and fingers all messy with the chocolate and the marshmallows. It was really cute and funny.

I learned a lot about him, but I also felt like I didn’t know enough. I learned more about his family and how they’re very religious and not very accepting of gay people. His mom thinks it’s a sin and I can’t recall what his father thinks of it all.

He told me one time that his little nephew was outside in the backyard with his dad while he was working out to some old school Metallica. His mom went outside to grab the baby because she didn’t want him listening to “Devil’s music.” I can’t imagine how she feels about gay men.

I also learned how he’s not accepting of himself. It still hurts me today to think about this certain conversation. I remember it like it was just yesterday.

It was passed midnight. We were lying on my bed, having a deep conversation like we always did, when suddenly, a certain question that had been lingering in my head for weeks came to me like a boomerang.

I got up from laying next to him and sat on his lap. Looking in his eyes and tapping on his chest, I said, “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” he said.

“Does anybody know that you like guys?”

He paused. His heart started beating faster.

“No.” He paused again, then continued, “Well, she does, but we don’t talk about it.”

“Why don’t you guys talk about it?”

“Because.”

“Because, why?”

“Because.” I could tell he was trying to find the words to say, but didn’t know how to say it. “Because. I’m not. ‘That.’“

That. I thought. He’s so ashamed to say it out loud.

I tried to get it out of him why he couldn’t say the word: Gay. From what he began to tell me, he had quite the reputation in middle school. Apparently, a lot of people made fun of him for making out with some guy and I guess that stuck to him through high school and even after that. He has brothers and sisters too, so I can only assume that they heard the rumors as well and he just didn’t want the news to get to his parents. But by Junior year, he got with his girlfriend and had been with her ever since, making those rumors void.

We started talking about her that night too. “What if she comes back to you?” I asked.

“She won’t,” he lied, but was he lying to me or to himself?

“But what if she does?” I repeated.

“I won’t get back with her. I hate her.”

I should’ve known he was deflecting. I should’ve known that he was lying to me, to himself, to his heart. I just should’ve known…

It wasn’t until a few months later that my worst fear came to fruition. She indeed, came running back to him. They tried to fix things for a good month and I already felt him slipping away. He stopped texting me first. He stopped texting me “Good morning” and “Good night.” He stopped wondering what I was doing and the worst part was that we didn’t get to finish the season finale of The Flash. It sounds pathetic, I know, but that’s something that was our thing, and I couldn’t help but envision him watching those finales with her instead.

Christmas came around and I had bought him some clothes from my favorite store. I kept telling him that he had a gift waiting for him at my house, but he never had time to get it.

New Year’s came around too, still nothing.

Two weeks later, he finally stopped by, but in the back of my head, I feel like he only showed up because he felt bad that I bought him something. To be honest, I don’t think he would’ve showed up if I didn’t have anything for him. I feel like he did it out of pity.

That night was the worst night of my life. Had I known then what I know now, I would’ve said goodbye to him instead of confessing my feelings for him. I remember telling him, “I don’t care if you’re with someone. I don’t care if I’m with someone. I don’t care if it’s a year from now or even ten. I will always be here for you. And I will always love you. I don’t want you to ever think otherwise.”

He cried. I left him speechless for a moment, to which he finally found the words to say, “I just don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what I want. At first, I just wanted to be friends. And we did that. But then things happened and I liked that too. I just don’t know how to be more than friends. I don’t know how to be your boyfriend.” Then, I cried.

I told him that it was okay and that I just wanted him to be happy, but I knew I was lying when I said that because I just wanted him to be happy with me.

“I’ll see you later” were the last words he ever said to me. That was on January 15, 2017 and I hate that I remember the date. It makes me feel stupid or that I haven’t been able to move on from him. And maybe that’s true. The only difference between the me now and the me then, is that I’ve grown to accept that I will always love him.

He is the boy that got away. He is the boy with green eyes. He is the one that broke my heart into a million pieces and I thought I could never put those puzzle pieces together, but I did and I am. It just takes time. How much time is up to you.

You need to go back to doing the things you loved doing most. Get back into running. Force yourself to get out there. Do things you’ve never done before. Find new passions. Fall in love with something you thought you’d never fall in love with before. Love takes many shapes and forms. Don’t think that you can’t fall in love with a thing instead of a person.

Read books. Write a book. Learn a language. Start a journal. Listen to more music that’s out of your genre. Get out of your comfort zone. Eat at a restaurant alone. Go have a picnic alone. Travel down the highway with nowhere to go with the music blasting and put the windows down and watch the stars. Look up at the moon more often. Smell the roses. Join a club. Start doing CrossFit. Run half marathons. Hell, maybe even a marathon. Appreciate the small things and don’t let opportunities pass your way when they are presented to you. Say “yes” more often.

Slowly but surely, you will heal, but you can’t expect to heal if you’re not trying. You can’t expect to be baby-fed. Set goals without a time limit because a time limit will discourage you. I promise you, you will be okay. When? I don’t know. Everybody has their own grieving process, but I promise things will get better.

Just, please, please do me a favor? Make sure you drink some water after reading this letter? And I hope you’ve eaten enough today.

Much love,
Alex

november 1, 2020

dear crush,

i see you, but you do you see me? because i notice you from afar, when you step into a room, and how your smile lights up at the sight of someone you love and how i wish you’d smile at me like that, even if it was in a friendly way. 

i know you know i exist, but i don’t wanna just exist to you. i want to be a part of your every day life. i want to know what makes you angry. i want to know what makes you happy. and i want to know what your guilty pleasure is when you’re feeling sad and alone and eating your feelings away. 

i want to get to know the real you and not the you that wears a mask around everyone. you’re so shy and introverted, but i can sense that you’re the complete opposite with someone you know you can trust, someone who won’t judge you. 

i wish we could be closer, closer than what we already are, but i don’t know how to tell you that without jeopardizing what we already have. we may be “fine” now, but what happens if i say something that crosses that line and makes you uncomfortable and pushes you away? or worse, completely shut me out of your life forever? i don’t want that…

it kind of reminds me of mother earth being in love with the sun– the absolute thing that gives her life and how she has no idea how to repay him. how does she love him back if she can’t even get close to him, to kiss him, without being burned and destroying every single thing he created for her. what a beautiful tragedy. if only you understood that’s exactly how i feel about you. 

how do i love you without getting hurt? how do i say how i feel without pushing you away? or are we just two introverts, afraid of being rejected, when the ironic truth is, that we both feel the same, but we’re too afraid to speak up…

love always,  alex

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