Hey. I don’t know why I’m sending you this because I know you won’t reply. To be honest, I have no idea if you even get my texts, but I’m doing it anyway because I miss you and I’m the type of person to let people know that they’re on my mind and something in my stomach is telling me to do this, even though my brain is telling me not to. I just need you to know that I miss you. I miss you so damn much that it hurts. I think about you constantly; in my room, on my bed, in the shower, while I’m brushing my teeth, on the drive to work, on the drive back home. I don’t know how it’s possible, but it is. I sometimes wonder if think of me too. I hope you do, even if it’s not as much, but at least for a moment– just a moment, a millisecond. I have to remind myself every day that you’re happier without me, just to keep myself sane and distracted from the million dollar question that still haunts me today: “Why did you have to leave me the way you did?” I don’t know if you’re actually happy, I just assume and hope for the best because that’s what you deserve. I heard that you’re getting married. I don’t know how to feel about that or what to say. I guess I’m just a little upset that you didn’t bother telling me yourself. I mean, why couldn’t you? Are you really that afraid of me? Are you ashamed of what I think? Are you still confused? Or have we simply just passed the point of no return? Regardless, nothing answers if I should congratulate you or pity you. I know you love her, I know you do, but I also know you loved me too– or at least started to, until you ran far far away, as fast as you could, just like The Flash. Was that really simpler than saying, “I don’t love you” or “I can’t do this anymore”? Don’t get me wrong. I want to be happy for you. I really do. It’s just– I don’t know how to do that when all I ever wanted was to be your happiness, not be happy for you as I watch you from a distant. I promise I’m trying though. We haven’t spoken, much less seen each other in over a year, so, I don’t know how you feel about me anymore. Do I even exist to you? Or am I just another person you pretend is dead in your head? Do you still have my favorite songs in your playlist? I was driving back home tonight and it got me wondering if you do. It was late and dark, but the full moon still guided me home and got me thinking of you. That one song started playing on the radio and reminded me of all the good times we once had. I love those memories, but I’m selfish and greedy when it comes to you. These memories just aren’t enough. I want you. Physically, not spiritually, or just in my head. I want you beside me or on top of me. I’ll take what I can get if it means you’ll come over tonight. I’m home alone, scared with no one to hold. I’m desperate. I just want to be wrapped in your arms one last time. I want you to whisper something in my ear– something you never built the courage to say before: “I love you.” I need to hear those words to slip from your tongue because I’m the type of person that needs constant reassurance. Maybe then I’ll finally understand, because all I have lingering in my head are theories– theories of us, of our story, and why you had to leave our chapter at a cliffhanger with no answers. I understand that you’ve always had trouble expressing your feelings. You always have been a quiet person ever since I first laid eyes on you in art class, but I think that’s what intrigued me the most about you because the most quiet people have the most things to say and the most things on their mind, and oh how I wanted to dissect that brain of yours. You were so innocent and kind and selfless. Just another boy with a big heart. Which is how I know you never intended to hurt me. You never knew what the right thing to do was, but that doesn’t justify why you left the way you did. You didn’t have to do it that way. I deserved, a better goodbye.

– the unsent text 11:32pm 6/29/18 | Patreon

February 4, 2021

Dear friend, 

A piece of me wants to give up on love, to give up on building a relationship with someone who may or may not feel the same way, but try anyway, in hopes that they do.

I trust the process, but I do not trust the start. I know and recognize the warning signs, the red flags because I know what I deserve and I know what I’m looking for, but nowadays, with options so easily accessible and out in the open with just a touch of your fingertips, it’s easy for someone to do a one-eighty and change their mind so quickly.

It’s the start of it all that scares me the most. I’m not one to move fast physically– I’m better than that, but I am guilty of one to get too emotionally invested too quickly and just way too hard. It’s honestly my biggest flaw. I despise it and I wish I could change it, but this is who I am and it’s what I have to deal with. One day, someone can have those words “I love you” pressed up against the roof of their mouth, just about ready to say it, but I make them wait because I’m scared– scared of being vulnerable and hopeful for someone who doesn’t plan on staying, but the feelings still linger anyway and it’s a safe assumption that they do have feelings for me too or at least some sort of feeling.

But then, from one day to the next, from almost witnessing the person you think could be the one, your forever, wanting to say “I love you” to the next day hearing, “I’m not interested in you anymore,” just opens up old wounds that I thought were fully healed. I don’t deserve this. I was done feeling this way, or, so I thought.

There’s just no warning signs when getting to know someone for the first time, regardless if they’re from your past or not. I trusted him nine years ago. We were supposed to fill in that gap. Together. But you said those magic words and my walls went up again and my guard did just the same. It’s not your fault though. It’s mine for getting too attached way too quickly, but I am not taking the blame for everything. You knew what I was looking for and you led me on to believe you loved me. It’s so pathetic that you turned out to be just like the rest of them.

Consider yourself lucky and privileged that I let you into my life and take a chance with me because I know my worth and you do not meet my standards. Not after what you did. I thought I would be used to this heartache by now. I don’t feel as bad for myself as I do for the next person who decides to fall in love with me.

Sincerely, 
Alex

Patreon

Hello everyone!

I hope you all have been doing well, and if you’re not, I hope things turn up for the better soon.

I know I haven’t been updating my website lately (which I plan to really get back to), but I have been so busy lately juggling my job, CrossFit classes, taking Real Estate courses, writing my book, and focusing on my physical and mental health. (Don’t worry, I’m managing my time well! I think…) I hope to bring more content onto my site soon and add some value into it.

If you’re getting this update, it’s because you’re the 1%, the super fans, the above-and-beyond supporters– however you want to put it, I just see it as– you’re awesome.

I wanted you to be one of the firsts to know that I started a Patreon page for myself. Plans start as little as $1 a month and it’s just another way to show your awesome support for the things I love to do every day. Unfortunately, until I finish my book, I don’t make money for anything that I publish on any social site.

I have created five different tiers to fit anyone’s payment needs and value– from general support to me writing a letter for you or editing your poetry/letters. And believe it or not, I offer a lot of advice in different hobbies of mine such as financial advice, investing, skincare, running for beginners, aspiring writers, and much more. Feel free to click here to visit my Patreon and see a full list of benefits.

Again, I just want to thank you for the continued support. I can’t wait to finish my book, so everyone just feels a little less alone.

Love you all.

Hey guys! Quick little announcement.

I’m doing a giveaway of my Letters From Alex Logo Popsocket!
I’ll be choosing 10 people at random to receive one.
If you are reading this, it means you’re already entered!
I just wanted to inform you all that I will be adding everyone who is subscribed via email to my website will be copied to the new mailing list I’m creating!

I hope that is okay. You can always unsubscribe of course, but I am in the middle of writing my book and I promise, people subscribed to my website/mailing list will receive first dibs and exclusive offers when it comes to my book!

I appreciate all of you and hope everyone is doing well during this global pandemic. Stay home. Stay safe. And let’s keep making the most out of what we have and remember not to take anything from granted. It can be taken away from you in an instant.

Love,
Alex

it seems to be
impossible
to find someone
i want and need,
much less
find someone
who wants and needs
me too, but
i’m a patient person
and i’m hopeful that
someday,
somewhere,
somehow,
my other half
is waiting for me too

i just hope it’s in this lifetime…

© Letters From Alex

You should never
expect anything
in return, but to
expect nothing
because you are
constantly let down
is the worst
expectation of all.

© Letters From Alex

I used to make up
scenarios in my head
of what it would be like
to see your eyes again.
Of all the ones I imagined,
the worst just had to happen.

© Letters From Alex

We all make msitaeks,
but you were never
one of them.

© Letters From Alex

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