August 28, 2015

I know I do this a lot to you…
I always send you long essays of how I feel about you, I know it must get annoying. But here’s another one for you, and hopefully the last.
I really like you and I really do care about you.
But being your friend is just too hard for me.
I can never stop thinking about you and all I want is to see your face every day.
I want us to be more than friends. I want us to be each other’s happiness, but I know that will never happen.
You have your girlfriend. And you seem to love her very much.
Your parents (in my perspective) seem very narrow minded and would never condone you being with a man, and probably won’t accept me.

I was willing to leave my boyfriend for you… Only because you were the only person that was making me happy. Everyone around me just seemed to be sucking the life out of me. And forgive me if I’m wrong but when you’re around me you seem happy too. (Even if it’s not just because of me but because you’re around friends, I still enjoy seeing you smile).

My boyfriend and I have been together for so long… 
 And you may not know this but we fight almost constantly and I can’t tell anymore if I’m happy.
Then I wonder if I’d treat another person the same way I treat my him now – so violent and vulgar. 

After that miraculous night we had together, I cried for days, I felt guilty with what we had done together the night before. I didn’t regret it, when was that night ever going to happen again? Never. So I let it happen. But I felt guilty because in my head I want to be more than friends. I want to be your boyfriend. And doing that made me feel like we were moving too quickly and ruined everything for me. I lost respect for myself. But… Then I started to think… Why does this even matter if we’ll never be together anyway?

After being depressed for days my boyfriend made me talk to him about it and shockingly, I actually didn’t need to talk much. He knew what I was going through. He knows how much I like you. I told him about the night I kissed you on the cheek… I thought that was going to make him upset. But it surprisingly didn’t. Then I told him what we do when he steps into the bathroom… Like that night. The way you were holding me and the way I held onto you. I didn’t want to let you go. And how we were breathing into each other’s necks. And how we kissed each other’s lips for the first time. I didn’t want it to stop. I didn’t want that to end.

Even after explaining that to him too he wasn’t upset. He just told me to think for myself and not worry about anyone else.
I started to cry… Not because I wanted to leave my boyfriend… But because of the thought of us never working out was hurting me so much. 

So many thoughts were rushing thru my head, things that could tear us apart or keep us from staying together.
“What if he wanted to keep our relationship a secret… How long before I wanted his family and friends to know about me?”
“What if he ends up missing his girlfriend. Would he leave me to go back with her?”
“Would I leave you to go back with my boyfriend?”
“Would my family accept you?”
“Does he really like me as much as I think he does?” Probably not…
And the ultimate question, “Will he do what he’s doing now with me, to someone else, behind my back?”

All these problems would be in our way and what depresses me the most is that you probably don’t even care.
But with all these risks and problems would it really matter? If we really liked each other and could love each other… Why should we let those things get in our way? If we really cared about each other the way we claim we do, I know I’d do anything for you and not let anything get in my way. But what about you? You say you think of me, you say you miss me, but where’s the proof? I don’t know what to believe anymore.  

You once said that I don’t deserve to be ignored and it’s unfair that you never talk to me but I am always there for you. I think that’s the only thing we can both agree on. I’m not gonna be a pushover anymore. I’m tired of getting so hurt by you and being depressed over someone who doesn’t even care enough to take 30 seconds out of their fucking life to send me a damn message asking “How was your day?”

You don’t deserve me as a friend. And what sucks the most… Even after all this… I’ll STILL be there for you if you ever need me because that’s the type of friend I am… But I’m done coming to you and being ignored. Maybe it is best that we’re not friends anymore. I’m tired of getting so hurt by you. You only reply to me when you want to talk and not when I need you the most as a friend. How is that fair at all for me?

I really hope this clears up everything for you. I’m not writing this to make you feel bad, because honestly, that is not my intention. I just want you to understand and know what I go thru when I tell you goodbye forever and then send you a message days later saying sorry, and that I didn’t mean it. I just DON’T know what to do anymore. I just really, really, really, LIKE you more than a friend, and love you AS  a friend. It’s crazy how much I care about you and want to see you happy.

But… because of how I feel, it’s hard to be your friend when you constantly make me sad all the time. And honestly. I just wish you’d tell me how you felt. Whether it’s that you feel the same way, or the complete opposite, or think that I should just suck it up and be a fucking man and keep talking to you then tell me! Just tell me! Say anything to me. It’s better than leaving me guessing.

I know I shouldn’t be sorry, but I am. I’m sorry for everything. I promise that I won’t do something like this again. I don’t mean to be wasting your time.
I’m seriously going to miss you.

Love always,

November 4, 2020

Good evening Alex, I came across your Instagram account about three years ago. Your posts and poetry are really heartwarming, especially when the …

November 2, 2020

Good evening Anon,

I just wanted to start off by saying, thank you for reaching out and saying those kind words. I’m glad that my writing and my poetry have helped you in ways that (sometimes) I don’t comprehend, but I guess it’s because I don’t give myself enough credit. Honestly, there’s days when I hate it and don’t understand how other people can relate to the things I write about, but I think that’s in every artists’ mind– to hate their own art.

So, thank you so much for that kind, validating reminder.

It tears my heart apart to read what you’ve written to me. It’s such a tragedy, to go what you’ve been through. And I just wanted to say and to remind you that everything that you’re feeling: the hurting, the crying, not eating, not drinking, and feeling like you could do something you’ll regret– that is normal and natural when you are grieving.


And I just want to make sure that you know, anything you’re doing and everything you’re feeling is natural and it is valid. Take all the time you need to get over this person, but you must remember to also take care of yourself.

In case you don’t know my whole story, I’ll paraphrase it for you because we seem to have gone through a similar situation, but I believe we’ve felt the same thing.

I fell in love with this boy whom I’ve known since High School, but I didn’t really know I loved him at the time. We had a class together, but that was only Freshman year. We didn’t really talk, at all, actually, after that, but we kept up every once in a while when we’d see each other during lunch or run into each other in the hallways. Looking back, I realize now that I always found him attractive, but I was only 15 and I wasn’t sure if it was attraction or curiosity. I was still figuring myself out back then.

Fast forward eight years later, we rekindled after he and his girlfriend broke up. I was there for him for literally the worst time of his life. He was in a really bad place. He started doing drugs and drinking alcohol excessively (the latter which he never really did, to my understanding), sometimes both. I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to the boy that was always smiling in High School.

When I heard that him and his girlfriend of about 5 years broke up, I travelled to Austin just to go see him. At the time, I was still with my boyfriend, so he went with me too. Honestly, I reluctantly took him, but I know myself and I, too, would have done something I would’ve regretted.

If I’m being honest though, my boyfriend at the time knew how I felt about him and didn’t mind it. We were together for over 6 years, and it just got to that point where we both knew we weren’t happy with each other anymore and if me being with this other guy for a weekend made me happy, it made him happy for me.

I can’t describe how nice and validating it felt to be there for him when he needed me the most. I remember being in the hotel room with him while my boyfriend was in the restroom and holding his hand and asking him if he’s okay.

“I’m okay right now,” he said. Do you understand how important that made me feel? Even if it was just a weekend, it was enough for me and obviously enough for him that we were sitting side-by-side of one another. How our presence alone lifted the weight of our collapsing world off our shoulders.

I did my best to keep him distracted. I took him to the arcade. That was nice. He taught me how to play Typing of the Dead. It was actually pretty funny– I’m a writer, constantly typing away on my computer, but oddly enough, he was beating me at the game and keeping me alive. How ironic.

He spent the night with me and my boyfriend in the hotel. We mostly talked. He said she cheated. I told him he didn’t deserve that. He knew that, but I guess he was still hung up on her for some reason. I mean, I get it, she’s his first love, but is it really that worth it? Was he really that blinded?

I guess he was, because I was right there…

The next morning, I remember him waking up to phone calls and text messages from his cousins he was living with because they freaked out that he didn’t get home the night before. So, I took him home (alone), but not before I bought him Chick-Fil-A.

“You don’t have to get me anything. I don’t have any money,” he said, but I insisted. I expected nothing in return and I knew if I didn’t buy him anything to eat, he wouldn’t have eaten anyway.

I dropped him off after saying goodbye more times than my one hand can count. If there’s anything we both had in common, it’s that we dreaded goodbyes. I could tell he didn’t want to leave my side and I sensed that he had a good time and that I made him happy, really happy.

I felt like I had a purpose when I was around him– that purpose being to mend not just his heart, but his soul too. I saw it in his eyes. He wasn’t just broken beyond repair, he was shattered; lost in a void. All I ever wanted was to be there for him to make sure that he’s okay because he deserves so much happiness, but what came next made me realize: you can’t save anybody.

The following month, after that weekend with him, we kept in touch every other day and for once, he was messaging me first. The “Good morning” or “Good night” texts were always the best, because I knew I was either the very first thing he thought of when he woke up or the very last thing he thought of before going to sleep.

The month after that, I finally broke it off with my boyfriend. After 6 and a half long years of being together, we finally admitted to ourselves that we just weren’t happy anymore. We were just using each other and kept things going because we were comfortable and complacent. We thought we deserved each other, but how did we know that if we never tried finding love with someone else? Or even within ourselves?

I then took the opportunity to have more alone time with this other boy who was still broken, distraught, and grieving the loss of his girlfriend. Even though it had already been four months by this time, I didn’t judge him nor did I ever make him feel uncomfortable. Grieving takes time. He needed space. But I also knew he needed a shoulder to cry on every once in a while. So, I let it be. Whenever he needed me, I was there for him.

For the following months, we started to do a lot more things together. I got him into a lot of TV shows. He got me hooked on some anime. We ate a lot of junk food together. My favorite time was when we both made s’mores for the first time and he got his lips, cheek, and fingers all messy with the chocolate and the marshmallows. It was really cute and funny.

I learned a lot about him, but I also felt like I didn’t know enough. I learned more about his family and how they’re very religious and not very accepting of gay people. His mom thinks it’s a sin and I can’t recall what his father thinks of it all.

He told me one time that his little nephew was outside in the backyard with his dad while he was working out to some old school Metallica. His mom went outside to grab the baby because she didn’t want him listening to “Devil’s music.” I can’t imagine how she feels about gay men.

I also learned how he’s not accepting of himself. It still hurts me today to think about this certain conversation. I remember it like it was just yesterday.

It was passed midnight. We were lying on my bed, having a deep conversation like we always did, when suddenly, a certain question that had been lingering in my head for weeks came to me like a boomerang.

I got up from laying next to him and sat on his lap. Looking in his eyes and tapping on his chest, I said, “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” he said.

“Does anybody know that you like guys?”

He paused. His heart started beating faster.

“No.” He paused again, then continued, “Well, she does, but we don’t talk about it.”

“Why don’t you guys talk about it?”


“Because, why?”

“Because.” I could tell he was trying to find the words to say, but didn’t know how to say it. “Because. I’m not. ‘That.’“

That. I thought. He’s so ashamed to say it out loud.

I tried to get it out of him why he couldn’t say the word: Gay. From what he began to tell me, he had quite the reputation in middle school. Apparently, a lot of people made fun of him for making out with some guy and I guess that stuck to him through high school and even after that. He has brothers and sisters too, so I can only assume that they heard the rumors as well and he just didn’t want the news to get to his parents. But by Junior year, he got with his girlfriend and had been with her ever since, making those rumors void.

We started talking about her that night too. “What if she comes back to you?” I asked.

“She won’t,” he lied, but was he lying to me or to himself?

“But what if she does?” I repeated.

“I won’t get back with her. I hate her.”

I should’ve known he was deflecting. I should’ve known that he was lying to me, to himself, to his heart. I just should’ve known…

It wasn’t until a few months later that my worst fear came to fruition. She indeed, came running back to him. They tried to fix things for a good month and I already felt him slipping away. He stopped texting me first. He stopped texting me “Good morning” and “Good night.” He stopped wondering what I was doing and the worst part was that we didn’t get to finish the season finale of The Flash. It sounds pathetic, I know, but that’s something that was our thing, and I couldn’t help but envision him watching those finales with her instead.

Christmas came around and I had bought him some clothes from my favorite store. I kept telling him that he had a gift waiting for him at my house, but he never had time to get it.

New Year’s came around too, still nothing.

Two weeks later, he finally stopped by, but in the back of my head, I feel like he only showed up because he felt bad that I bought him something. To be honest, I don’t think he would’ve showed up if I didn’t have anything for him. I feel like he did it out of pity.

That night was the worst night of my life. Had I known then what I know now, I would’ve said goodbye to him instead of confessing my feelings for him. I remember telling him, “I don’t care if you’re with someone. I don’t care if I’m with someone. I don’t care if it’s a year from now or even ten. I will always be here for you. And I will always love you. I don’t want you to ever think otherwise.”

He cried. I left him speechless for a moment, to which he finally found the words to say, “I just don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what I want. At first, I just wanted to be friends. And we did that. But then things happened and I liked that too. I just don’t know how to be more than friends. I don’t know how to be your boyfriend.” Then, I cried.

I told him that it was okay and that I just wanted him to be happy, but I knew I was lying when I said that because I just wanted him to be happy with me.

“I’ll see you later” were the last words he ever said to me. That was on January 15, 2017 and I hate that I remember the date. It makes me feel stupid or that I haven’t been able to move on from him. And maybe that’s true. The only difference between the me now and the me then, is that I’ve grown to accept that I will always love him.

He is the boy that got away. He is the boy with green eyes. He is the one that broke my heart into a million pieces and I thought I could never put those puzzle pieces together, but I did and I am. It just takes time. How much time is up to you.

You need to go back to doing the things you loved doing most. Get back into running. Force yourself to get out there. Do things you’ve never done before. Find new passions. Fall in love with something you thought you’d never fall in love with before. Love takes many shapes and forms. Don’t think that you can’t fall in love with a thing instead of a person.

Read books. Write a book. Learn a language. Start a journal. Listen to more music that’s out of your genre. Get out of your comfort zone. Eat at a restaurant alone. Go have a picnic alone. Travel down the highway with nowhere to go with the music blasting and put the windows down and watch the stars. Look up at the moon more often. Smell the roses. Join a club. Start doing CrossFit. Run half marathons. Hell, maybe even a marathon. Appreciate the small things and don’t let opportunities pass your way when they are presented to you. Say “yes” more often.

Slowly but surely, you will heal, but you can’t expect to heal if you’re not trying. You can’t expect to be baby-fed. Set goals without a time limit because a time limit will discourage you. I promise you, you will be okay. When? I don’t know. Everybody has their own grieving process, but I promise things will get better.

Just, please, please do me a favor? Make sure you drink some water after reading this letter? And I hope you’ve eaten enough today.

Much love,

November 2, 2020

Good evening Alex,

I came across your Instagram account about three years ago. Your posts and poetry are really heartwarming, especially when the days are bad. Thank you for creating such a great space for people to share your experiences and stories.

I haven’t been doing okay lately.

Last year, I met someone who was really amazing. She was sweet and kind– different from most, I would say. At the time, I wasn’t looking for anything, but she changed everything. I was happy. I thought we were great together.

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I wanted to spoil her for Valentine’s Day. I did and it didn’t go well. The day she received everything, she ended things with me and Ubered everything I got her that same hour. It wasn’t a nice thing to go through and I guess I’m still going through it.

I haven’t felt like this about anyone before. I try to check up on her by texting her. Sometimes she’ll reply, but majority of the time, she leaves me on read. I still really like her and care about her, but she doesn’t seem to appreciate everything I do.

I’ve always thought that my heart was always the best thing about me, but I guess that too is not enough anymore. It hurts. It brings me to tears. I feel so pathetic to be going on and complaining about this, especially with what’s going on with the world and COVID. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not sleeping well– can hardly keep my mind off her. I’m hardly eating either. If it wasn’t for my dogs, I think I would have done something I’ll regret.

Getting flashbacks of how things were and what they could of been– it’s so painful. I used to be happy before her. I used to be very active. I loved running and staying in shape. I haven’t been able to do those things over the years, it’s like I lost a piece of myself.

I always tried to keep the communication going between us because she won’t text me unless I do it first. We talked a month ago. She was going through some stuff. I tried to help her and be there for her. It seemed to be like old times, but she told me she has a boyfriend. During the time we communicated, she never mentioned him. I get weak moments and I send her a message just to make sure she’s okay and safe, but I get no response.

She looks happy with him. She deserves to be happy. She deserves everything. I just wish it could be with me. I’ve always thought by some miracle, we’d end up together again. I know how naïve and stupid that sounds. I had hope, but I guess now that’s never going to happen.

I know I’m breaking my own heart by trying to keep in touch with her and stuff, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a 25 year old guy that’s been holding on to her for so long. I just can’t breathe anymore. I just need everything to stop.


november 1, 2020

dear crush,

i see you, but you do you see me? because i notice you from afar, when you step into a room, and how your smile lights up at the sight of someone you love and how i wish you’d smile at me like that, even if it was in a friendly way. 

i know you know i exist, but i don’t wanna just exist to you. i want to be a part of your every day life. i want to know what makes you angry. i want to know what makes you happy. and i want to know what your guilty pleasure is when you’re feeling sad and alone and eating your feelings away. 

i want to get to know the real you and not the you that wears a mask around everyone. you’re so shy and introverted, but i can sense that you’re the complete opposite with someone you know you can trust, someone who won’t judge you. 

i wish we could be closer, closer than what we already are, but i don’t know how to tell you that without jeopardizing what we already have. we may be “fine” now, but what happens if i say something that crosses that line and makes you uncomfortable and pushes you away? or worse, completely shut me out of your life forever? i don’t want that…

it kind of reminds me of mother earth being in love with the sun– the absolute thing that gives her life and how she has no idea how to repay him. how does she love him back if she can’t even get close to him, to kiss him, without being burned and destroying every single thing he created for her. what a beautiful tragedy. if only you understood that’s exactly how i feel about you. 

how do i love you without getting hurt? how do i say how i feel without pushing you away? or are we just two introverts, afraid of being rejected, when the ironic truth is, that we both feel the same, but we’re too afraid to speak up…

love always,  alex

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