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Letters From Alex™

A collection of poetry and prose.

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Month: November 2019

A room without your voice.

What a terrible sound.

November 12, 2019

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it’s been quite some time now since you’ve kept me up at night. my mind wandered through the web of thoughts in my head— taking me aback to dinners we had and late night drives to nowhere. i miss those times, when everything was simpler. i yearn for you from time to time, but i’m so happy that it doesn’t hurt anymore. thank you for letting me into your life and thank you for leaving the way you did.

you’re always making jokes about how you can’t wait ‘til the day you break my heart so i can start writing about you, but i must confess— i don’t want it to ever come to that. you— you make me want to be a better person. you make me want to change my routine, try new things, and sever this toxic cycle i’ve never found the courage to break. you bring me back to earth when my head is so high in the sky. i feel grounded when you’re next to me and safe when you’ve got your arms towering over me. it’s somewhat difficult to explain… will you look at that…? the writer who can’t find the words to say. i suppose that goes to show how you make me feel: speechless, absent-minded, and carefree. don’t take that the wrong way though. you make me forget about the world and that’s a good thing. and i must divulge in the fact that i want to take a risk with you. i want to fall into the unknown in hopes you’re there to catch my fall. i don’t want this to be another lost cause or another life lesson schemed by the universe. it feels too right to be by your side and i’m forever grateful that you are willing to take the time and effort to understand the many layers buried within me that i don’t let many people see, but i’ll show you if you continue to try and i hope that you love all the good and all the bad parts you find, especially the bad because i’m willing to do the same for you. i’ve always wanted to be so sure of someone worth writing a love story with, and i really hope that person is you…

I know this is too little, too late-- you’re gone now and you’re never coming back. I’m never getting those letters back, much less a reply. I’ll never hear your voice again and I hate that you never left a voicemail when I couldn’t pick up your call. And the mere fact that I don’t know what your favorite cologne is drives me crazy because there are some days that are just too tough and despite all the pain you’ve caused, I still wish I could smell your scent on my pillow one more time. I never got the closure I deserved, but I’ve been trying and trying, for years and years to create my own closure. I know I had to at least try— to reach out to you, to make an effort, to make amends with you because knowing myself and putting in that effort, rids me of any guilty conscious I may have between us. I did my part. Now, it’s time for you to meet me in the middle.

i’m sorry… i don’t mean to burden you. i don’t mean to put this weight on your shoulders that you don’t deserve to carry. i don’t know why i always want to come back to you when my days are too heavy to carry on my own. my therapist said it’s okay that i feel this way, but it made me feel worse when i saw him today and told him a story of a harmless, flightless fledgling that i found by my pool over the weekend. i picked it up, grateful that i got home in time to find it on the ground and not drowned. i took a few photos of the cute thing. i wish you could see them. i brought it inside with me, placed it in a bin with a warm, fuzzy blanket, like it’s feathers. meanwhile, i researched what the next steps should be. multiple resources stated that i should “leave it where i found it,” and “don’t let it imprint on you.” grudgingly, i obliged. two hours later, it was chirping instead of sleeping. i went outside to place it by one of the palm trees away from the pool. i bid it goodbye as i went on with my night. regrettably, when i awoke the next day, i walked out the back door to find the harmless, defenseless, flightless fledgling, drowned in the pool. my heart sank as i rushed towards it to save it in case, by some miracle, just fell in, but it was still. too still. out of breath and out of life. it was my fault and i can’t help but make myself accountable for not listening to my gut, as i usually do instead of my brain. i can’t help but feel sensitive about this, and i knew you’d be one of the few to actually listen and understand. most people would tell me to get over it, it’s just a bird, but you’re not most people… and that’s why i fell in love with you.

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